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Archives for July 2019

A Reader Asks: “How Do You Know if a Guy Likes Me?”

July 27, 2019 by holly111888

A scene in the movie The Proposal.

TL;DR: Men often reveal themselves in their efforts. They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’re like [[conquistadores]], and you’re the mountain.


Another reader wrote in with a similar inquiry to one I answered two blog posts ago, but I thought it’d be worth addressing in its own post, given how often it’s asked (and written about)!

It’s time for another edition of navigating a man’s brain from the outside. This reader (whom we’ll call “Rowanda”) asked:

How do you know if a guy likes you?

Relationship Advice

When I talked to my partner Phillip about this, he said, “Just ask him.”

However, if you don’t want to ask him, then I’m going to yield this answer to one of my favorite dating coaches/consultants (a dude), who says:

Men reveal themselves in their efforts.

Translation: They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’ll often, say, ask for your number, text or call you first to set up a date, and persist.

Think of them like conquistadores. They want to conquer the mountain, the territory, or whatever the quest may be. They will study it (like some hikers I’ve met trekking up Mt Baldy in southern California, who claim to know the mountain’s every route and contour), and if they think it’s worth it, they will often fight for it. It becomes the center of their world, and they’ll do whatever it takes to keep it. It’s innately male.

You are the mountain, the territory, the quest, the center of their world.

You see it in the online dating world when dudes bombard women with messages every day, almost like a meteor shower of (sometimes unwanted) attention. It’s like when Phillip and I met: He asked for my number by the end of the evening and texted me two days later. He had a mountain to conquer.

And, as I wrote here, there was a period of time when he seemed to spend more time with his friends than with me. So when I created space between his friends and me (to show that “friends” and “girlfriend” are sold separately), he decided I was worth it and started making more time for me.

If he’s too too shy (not to be confused with “introversion,” which refers to people who don’t derive as much energy from being around people as extroverts do) to ask you out, then you can notice subtle signs in his body language when he’s around you, or maybe he’ll try to talk to you on social media first. Eventually, though, I’d say he should ask you out if he thinks you’re worth it and can get over possible rejection. (A male friend told me he used to fear approaching women until after he received his first rejection. Once he realized he could survive that, he started being more upfront.)

Take Action

If you have a burning dating or relationship question you’d like answered on the blog, then email me at holly@hollyshaftel.com.

If the time is right and you need a certified relationship coach to help you navigate a man’s brain from the outside, then fill out the easy form here and I’ll get in touch ASAP!

Filed Under: Dating, Readers Ask

Can You Really Be Completely Yourself with the Right Person?

July 19, 2019 by holly111888

A scene from the movie This is 40. I have no idea what they’re saying, but I thought this animated gif added comedy to the idea of being incredibly comfortable with your partner. Animated gif from here.

TL;DR: I would say “no” or “not really,” although you shouldn’t sacrifice who you are in general. Rock-solid relationships take diplomacy and compromise, skills that put our primal, impulsive selves back in their cage.


Sometimes when I think of a relationship topic to write about on my blog, I like to audition it on my partner Phillip.

“Do you think you can be completely yourself with your partner?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said immediately.

But I took time to think about it, given that life operates on a spectrum.

Then, when Phillip was cleaning crap out of our backyard and cutting wood with an electric saw without using earplugs, I wanted to lash out at him about ear protection like a drama-driven reality TV star. But I held back. And I noticed I held back.

Instead, I calmly spoke with him later about my concerns. I told him it made me nervous when he also didn’t use earplugs when installing new smoke detectors in the house. I told him that, while I’m not going deaf (yet), I’m pretty sure I inherited bad hearing (and desperately need subtitles when we watch Netflix) and wished others wouldn’t take their hearing for granted.

All the while, that conversation solidified my answer to my question. Do I think you can be completely yourself around your partner, even if they’re the “right” person for you? I’d say something along the lines of “no” or “not really” (and that’s okay).

You’re welcome to disagree, but let me make my case (based entirely on my intuition).

Relationship Advice

When I think of being “completely myself,” I think of who I am when I’m drunk or driving by myself—my uninhibited, unfiltered, unabridged self (in the “driving” case, I think of the road-ragey person I am when no one else is in the car to judge me when I’m yelling at the douchebag who cut me off).

While Phillip has seen my road rage, he doesn’t care for it. So, I try to tone it down, just like I controlled my impulses when he used that electric saw without earplugs.

For whatever reason we hold back instead of exploding—be it because we’re scared of our partner’s reaction, you don’t want to come off “difficult,” or you quickly realize your true, primal self released from its cage wouldn’t serve the greater good—we know deep down that the “effort” part (because rock-solid relationships take effort, not work) of maintaining a relationship is the diplomatic part we try to play under the circumstances.

So, again, no, I don’t think we can be completely, absolutely, 110% ourselves with our partners. But I think Phillip’s “yes” came from a good place.

In the end, relationships take compromise, and it helps to put that wild tiger aside (without sacrificing who you are in general) to make the relationship thrive.

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help showing your true colors in your relationship without becoming the devil, then fill out the easy form on this page and I’ll be in touch ASAP.

Filed Under: Relationships

A Reader Asks: “I Like a Guy Who Probably Doesn’t Like Me Back. Should I Tell Him Anyway?”

July 14, 2019 by holly111888

Sometimes readers write in with dating and relationship questions, so I thought I’d try something a little different by answering one on the blog.

One reader (whom we’ll call “Ramona”) wrote in:

I like a guy who probably doesn’t like me back. Should I tell him anyway, or keep it to myself?

Relationship Advice

In true life coaching, the coach asks the client open-ended, empowering questions to help the client arrive at her own answers (as opposed to a consultant, who tells the client what to do).

A few questions come to mind off the bat. One is “Tell me what you mean by ‘probably.’” What are the indicators that he “probably” doesn’t like you back?

Given that we all live through our own filters, we might interpret someone’s words and body language to mean one thing, even if the intended message was different.

Second, I might also ask you to lay out the pros and cons of telling him. If the worst case scenario is that he doesn’t like you back, then you’re both on the same page and can move on. If the best case scenario is that he likes you back, then you can take this on a date!

Finally, what does your gut tell you about whether or not to tell him? In the end, the client has the best judgment on her life, so why not trust your intuition?

In the end, I can tell you from experience that men will typically pursue you if they want to get to know you. The night Phillip and I met, he stepped up and asked for my number at the end of the evening, texting me two days later.

And, while minimally related, I once pursued a guy who I didn’t know had a girlfriend. He didn’t share that information with me, and eventually I found out through social media. My assessment on that is that sometimes “taken” men who are curious about another woman might go as far as boundaries will allow to get to know her. (The same might go for some “taken” women.)

Take Action

I hope that was helpful! If you’d like to submit a question to be considered for the blog (with names changed), then email me at holly@hollyshaftel.com.

If the time is right and you need help navigating a man’s brain from the outside, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll get in touch ASAP.

Filed Under: Dating, Readers Ask

How to Make Your Relationship Work When You Disagree 99 Percent of the Time

July 6, 2019 by holly111888

Animated gif from here

TL;DR: Disagreement is completely normal in a relationship, but it can be disastrous if you two have completely different worldviews. If you fit together like puzzle pieces, then the rest gets easier.


The title of this story is a bit of an exaggeration, and maybe you and your partner shouldn’t be together if your worldviews are about as similar as Barack Obama’s and Dick Cheney’s.

Honestly, I had that “maybe we’re not meant to be” feeling sometime after Phillip and I started dating, as I’ve written before. At our relationship’s genesis, I thought he and I were so different that I could have sworn our relationship was going to crash and burn like Armageddon.

Why? Because he likes heavy metal music, and I grew up on oldies but goodies. Because he likes dark sci-fi and post-apocalyptic movies, and I like dumb comedies and silly superhero movies (and it always took movie-length time for us to agree on a movie to watch). Because we could never agree on a place to visit abroad. Because my dad always opened doors for my sister and me like a butler does for his master, and that wasn’t really Phillip’s thing. Because he snores, sleep talks, and stomps his 6’4″ frame to the bathroom at night, and I’m a light sleeper (and had to get used to ear plugs and sleeping masks, because even our nocturnal tendencies disagreed with each other).

It doesn’t stop there. I thought our relationship was going to dissolve like the characters in Avengers: Infinity War because I grew up seeing my parents liking the same things and doing everything together like conjoined twins. They listened to the same country and folk music. They both like sci-fi and fantasy books and movies. They always had something to talk about at dinner. These days, they like taking their daily walks together (ah, the retired life).

I saw a lot of homogeneity between them, so I thought that was the “right” relationship model growing up. Yet I hardly paid attention to their unique attributes and what they did separately, such as my dad’s woodworking and my mom’s quilting.

So, flip back to Phillip and me. He and I are still here, nearly five years later. Neither of us has strangled the other in their sleep. Neither of us has poisoned the other’s drink. We’ve been to hell and back, conflict-wise, yet neither of us had to change the other like Bob Ross changed “mistakes” into birds on a canvas. How did we get here with very different preferences?

Relationship Advice

As with life, a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. Marathons provide the test of time to get to know your partner. So, hopefully you’ve found someone who complements you like a puzzle piece instead of being the opposite (or same) sex version of yourself.

Credit: PIRO4D/pixabay

Over time, I learned that Phillip was my complementary puzzle piece, and if he had been the opposite sex version of myself, chaos would likely ensue. (I’ve met whom I would consider the opposite sex version of myself, and while I think he and I have chemistry, I don’t think we have long-term compatibility.) You need balance and diversity to make this world go ‘round.

Anyway, everyone has their own love story, which means that relationship advice can’t always be “one size fits all.” Certified life coaches know that. So, when you and your partner disagree 99 percent of the time, here’s what you can do to get on the same page:

  • Accept your dissimilarities
  • Agree to disagree
  • Find common ground
  • Compromise
  • Be open-minded to each other’s preferences

Yes, this is roughly how Phillip and I (and many other couples) got here after many, many months.

Take Action

If the time is right and you and your partner need help getting past your differences, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll get in touch ASAP.

Filed Under: Relationships

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