TL;DR: Men often reveal themselves in their efforts. They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’re like [[conquistadores]], and you’re the mountain.
Another reader wrote in with a similar inquiry to one I answered two blog posts ago, but I thought it’d be worth addressing in its own post, given how often it’s asked (and written about)!
It’s time for another edition of navigating a man’s brain from the outside. This reader (whom we’ll call “Rowanda”) asked:
How do you know if a guy likes you?
Relationship Advice
When I talked to my partner Phillip about this, he said, “Just ask him.”
However, if you don’t want to ask him, then I’m going to yield this answer to one of my favorite dating coaches/consultants (a dude), who says:
Men reveal themselves in their efforts.
Translation: They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’ll often, say, ask for your number, text or call you first to set up a date, and persist.
Think of them like conquistadores. They want to conquer the mountain, the territory, or whatever the quest may be. They will study it (like some hikers I’ve met trekking up Mt Baldy in southern California, who claim to know the mountain’s every route and contour), and if they think it’s worth it, they will often fight for it. It becomes the center of their world, and they’ll do whatever it takes to keep it. It’s innately male.
You are the mountain, the territory, the quest, the center of their world.
You see it in the online dating world when dudes bombard women with messages every day, almost like a meteor shower of (sometimes unwanted) attention. It’s like when Phillip and I met: He asked for my number by the end of the evening and texted me two days later. He had a mountain to conquer.
And, as I wrote here, there was a period of time when he seemed to spend more time with his friends than with me. So when I created space between his friends and me (to show that “friends” and “girlfriend” are sold separately), he decided I was worth it and started making more time for me.
If he’s too too shy (not to be confused with “introversion,” which refers to people who don’t derive as much energy from being around people as extroverts do) to ask you out, then you can notice subtle signs in his body language when he’s around you, or maybe he’ll try to talk to you on social media first. Eventually, though, I’d say he should ask you out if he thinks you’re worth it and can get over possible rejection. (A male friend told me he used to fear approaching women until after he received his first rejection. Once he realized he could survive that, he started being more upfront.)
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If you have a burning dating or relationship question you’d like answered on the blog, then email me at holly@hollyshaftel.com.
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