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A Man Doesn’t Complete You, but He’s a Glorious Bonus

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This line is one of several examples of the media telling me growing up that I was incomplete without a man. Animated gif from here.

TL;DR: Both men and women have their own strengths, but healthy romantic relationships start with completing ourselves. Have your own life before building your team, the ultimate fighting machine.

I don’t know about you ladies, but when I was younger, the media taught me that I was the princess or damsel in distress who needed a prince to rescue me. Aladdin showed cooped-up Jasmine the world on a magic carpet ride. Bella Swan fell “irrevocably” in obsession (or you could say in “love”) with vampire Edward Cullen, who always (felt like he) needed to protect her from harm. Nearly every popular superhero I knew about growing up was a dude rescuing a chick from the big, bad monster.

And then there’s this whackadoo idea: Jerry Maguire told Dorothy that she “completed” him. The screenwriter might have had good intentions, but that line basically told me I’m half-baked. I’m only half a human on my own (I picture one vertical half of me hopping around on one leg, almost like a pogo stick) and become whole when I meet the right person. We fuse our halves to become the ultimate fighting machine, like a transformer.

Whether there was a hidden agenda behind these stories to keep men on a pedestal or the Cinderella complex really exists (particularly for those suffering from some kind of dysfunction), I want to catch these ideas in mid-air, spin, and throw them back with some mighty morphin girl power.

If I could summarize everything I’ve ever learned about healthy romantic relationships for women into one sentence, it would probably be this:

A man doesn’t complete you, but a healthy relationship with one is a glorious bonus. 

Let’s unpack this, shall we?

Relationship Advice

Don’t get me wrong: There’s a reason men and women co-exist on a floating Blue Marble in space. We’re complements and bring various strengths to the table. One has a weiner and the other has a vagina. One’s logic complements the other’s empathy. (Notice how I didn’t necessarily attribute logic to men and empathy to women, because it can go both ways. Just ask biological anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher :-).) My 6’4” partner can grab things from high places for me, and my tiny frame can fit in cramped spaces, almost like a contortionist.

We can help each other instead of leaving women to be helpless kittens. Women also need to assert their independence if they’re going to put themselves on equal ground with men. (I think we call this “feminism” or something :-P.) Sure, the “right” guy will complement your personality and behaviors, but I’d argue that telling yourself you need someone to complete you gives away your power. To me, that’s like surrendering on your knees and offering your hands to be handcuffed (okay, sorta).

You are not half-baked; you are a fully formed bundle of cells. You have your own hobbies, your own career, your own interests, and your own growth. You have two sides of a brain, two boobs, two arms, and two legs that walk the talk with style. You are your own superhero, and your villain is codependency, a nasty green gremlin to whom you can say, “Thanks for your ‘service,’ but I’m better off without you.”

When you have a solid relationship with yourself, you can easily begin to love another with whom to share your life. Continue to have your career, hobbies, and interests, but you can open them to someone who treats you as an equal, respects your boundaries, and has long-term potential. Then you have your team, the ultimate fighting machine.

That’s the glorious bonus.

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help breaking out of your Cinderella complex to become your own superhero, then fill out the easy form on this page and I’ll get in touch ASAP.

Pro Dating Tip: Manage Expectations and Have Boundaries

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Credit: Engin Akhurt/Pexels

I wrote the following dating advice for a now-defunct website, and now my blog is the article’s new home! Coming to you hot…

Picture the “cool girl” from your high school days. Maybe everyone could count on her to show up to the party and bring the alcohol and weed. Maybe she had some tattoos and piercings, had threesomes from time to time, freed the nip at school, and dropped everything to help you TP your math teacher’s front yard. Her “free-spiritedness” always landed her a boyfriend for the summer and a fling on the weekends.

While there’s nothing wrong with having a little fun in your adolescence, some might say the “cool girl” didn’t have any boundaries. Fast forward to her adult life and she sees the men come and go, because that’s the standard she’s set for herself and the men she bangs. The one-night-stands communicate little to no expectations, so she continues her hookups that never lead to long-term prospects, even if it’s of her own volition.

Now think about a different type of “cool girl.” Whether or not she has tattoos and piercings, drinks or smokes, her confidence speaks volumes. Seeking a long-term relationship with a quality man, she weeds out the assholes and “incompatibles” by laying out some terms, including making it clear when she’s ready to have sex. She has no problem ending the escapade when men don’t comply, narrowing her prospects to only “cool guys” who respect her boundaries. The boundaries and expectations lay the foundation for a rock-solid relationship.

Which “cool girl” more accurately describes your dating life right now? If you’re in a “fling” state of mind, then be okay with never seeing the man (or woman) again after a night of sexy time, or with seeing the person again with no promises of a long-term relationship. If you’re looking for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife, then know what you want, be abundantly clear about it, and be okay with eliminating men or women off your island if they don’t work out!

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help setting dating and relationship boundaries and managing expectations for yourself, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll be in touch ASAP.

How the Words “At Least” Can Weaken Your Relationship

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Sometimes the words “at least” communicate sympathy or a silver lining instead of empathy and an opportunity. Animated gif from here.

TL:DR: The words “at least” can act as a sympathetic silver lining instead of as an empathetic effort to understand each other. Try to see things as others see them, preferably without judgment.

“I had another miscarriage.”
“At least you can get pregnant.”

“My marriage is falling apart.”
“At least you have a marriage.”

“I’m so sick of my job.”
“At least you have a job.”

How much does the above dialogue sting for you like a pinched heart string?

If it stings, it might be because of two words: “at least.”

This video from a Brené Brown talk (more specifically at about 01:15) changed my view of those words forever (at least in this context), almost like how accidentally seeing your uncle naked can, well, change things. Brown aligns the words “at least” with “sympathy” and “silver linings.”

But what’s “wrong” with sympathy and silver linings?

I tend to see sympathy as empathy’s ugly step-child or evil twin. When a friend or loved one is stuck in a deep emotional well, empathy brings you down with them to feel what they feel. Sympathy avoids that and shouts “oh, bummer” from the top of the well. To me, sympathy is half-baked empathy, a way to be a part of the conversation without really trying. In my view, the video shows that perfectly.

What about silver linings? Same thing. They outline the dark cloud instead of filling it in. They might not necessarily make you feel better about the problem, and the person offering the silver lining doesn’t always seem to be understanding (or trying to understand) what you’re going through.

With that said, using the words “at least” can cheapen conversations in your relationships and loosen the tight weave of your bond. Here’s what I offer instead.

Relationship Advice

To begin with, as the confidant, it’s not necessarily your job to fix the person’s problems like a car mechanic or a doctor, so let’s get that out of our heads. We certified life coaches (as opposed to consultants) know this. We help the client arrive at her own answers. (But it helps to ask for permission to offer advice if you can’t help yourself–and be okay with only listening if he or she declines to receive that advice.)

Second, even if you don’t know what to say, Brown says it’s okay to say, “I don’t know what to say, but I’m really glad you told me.” How much better does that sound than “Well, even if your grandmother has Alheimer’s, at least she’s still alive”? Wow.

Next, let’s look at empathy, the ultimate glue for strong love. Nursing scholar Theresa Wiseman says four empathy attributes are:

  1. To see the world as others see it. A recent example is when I watched the women’s gymnastics documentary At the Heart of Gold. While I’m fortunate to not have been a victim of serious sexual abuse (if any sexual abuse), I could imagine and feel the gymnasts’ pain–the pain of being abused, of not being taken seriously for years, and sometimes of severing familial relationships as a result. Of disconnecting from your father, who can’t bring himself to understand the abuse and eventually commits suicide. Of undergoing years of therapy after being a predator’s target. Anyone with a soul can feel that pain on some level without having experienced it firsthand.
  2. To be nonjudgmental. It’s hard to be completely nonjudgmental, given we’re only human. But to judge is to lessen the impact of someone else’s experience and to protect ourselves from the pain. If you find yourself judging another, at least be aware of it.
  3. To understand another person’s feelings. Tap into #1 to tap into this one. Explore this other person’s world and identify and swim in the related feelings. Avoid labeling the feelings “right” or “wrong.”
  4. To communicate your understanding of those feelings. I call this the “playback.” This Psychology Today article says, “Rather than saying, ‘At least you…’ or ‘It could be worse…’ try, ‘I’ve been there, and that really hurts,’ or (to quote an example from Brown) ‘It sounds like you are in a hard place right now. Tell me more about it.’” Feel free to ask questions to better understand the person’s situation. If you’re coming from a place of ignorance, own it and then try to catch up.

Finally, instead of looking for silver linings, you can help your friend or loved one find opportunities. Instead of reminding your “marriage is falling apart” friend that she’s “at least” still married, maybe there’s an opportunity to have a ladies’ night out or to help her get counseling. Instead of reminding your job-hating significant other that “at least” he still has a job, maybe there’s an opportunity in helping him update his resume and look for a new job.

Kick the words “at least” (in this context) to the curb and start flexing your empathy muscles like a bodybuilder!

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help flexing your empathy skills in your relationships, then fill out the easy form on this page and I’ll get in touch ASAP.

A Reader Asks: “How Do You Know if a Guy Likes Me?”

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A scene in the movie The Proposal.

TL;DR: Men often reveal themselves in their efforts. They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’re like [[conquistadores]], and you’re the mountain.

Another reader wrote in with a similar inquiry to one I answered two blog posts ago, but I thought it’d be worth addressing in its own post, given how often it’s asked (and written about)!

It’s time for another edition of navigating a man’s brain from the outside. This reader (whom we’ll call “Rowanda”) asked:

How do you know if a guy likes you?

Relationship Advice

When I talked to my partner Phillip about this, he said, “Just ask him.”

However, if you don’t want to ask him, then I’m going to yield this answer to one of my favorite dating coaches/consultants (a dude), who says:

Men reveal themselves in their efforts.

Translation: They’ll often make an effort to get to know you if they’re interested. They’ll often, say, ask for your number, text or call you first to set up a date, and persist.

Think of them like conquistadores. They want to conquer the mountain, the territory, or whatever the quest may be. They will study it (like some hikers I’ve met trekking up Mt Baldy in southern California, who claim to know the mountain’s every route and contour), and if they think it’s worth it, they will often fight for it. It becomes the center of their world, and they’ll do whatever it takes to keep it. It’s innately male.

You are the mountain, the territory, the quest, the center of their world.

You see it in the online dating world when dudes bombard women with messages every day, almost like a meteor shower of (sometimes unwanted) attention. It’s like when Phillip and I met: He asked for my number by the end of the evening and texted me two days later. He had a mountain to conquer.

And, as I wrote here, there was a period of time when he seemed to spend more time with his friends than with me. So when I created space between his friends and me (to show that “friends” and “girlfriend” are sold separately), he decided I was worth it and started making more time for me.

If he’s too too shy (not to be confused with “introversion,” which refers to people who don’t derive as much energy from being around people as extroverts do) to ask you out, then you can notice subtle signs in his body language when he’s around you, or maybe he’ll try to talk to you on social media first. Eventually, though, I’d say he should ask you out if he thinks you’re worth it and can get over possible rejection. (A male friend told me he used to fear approaching women until after he received his first rejection. Once he realized he could survive that, he started being more upfront.)

Take Action

If you have a burning dating or relationship question you’d like answered on the blog, then email me at holly@hollyshaftel.com.

If the time is right and you need a certified relationship coach to help you navigate a man’s brain from the outside, then fill out the easy form here and I’ll get in touch ASAP!

Can You Really Be Completely Yourself with the Right Person?

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A scene from the movie This is 40. I have no idea what they’re saying, but I thought this animated gif added comedy to the idea of being incredibly comfortable with your partner. Animated gif from here.

TL;DR: I would say “no” or “not really,” although you shouldn’t sacrifice who you are in general. Rock-solid relationships take diplomacy and compromise, skills that put our primal, impulsive selves back in their cage.

Sometimes when I think of a relationship topic to write about on my blog, I like to audition it on my partner Phillip.

“Do you think you can be completely yourself with your partner?” I asked him.

“Yes,” he said immediately.

But I took time to think about it, given that life operates on a spectrum.

Then, when Phillip was cleaning crap out of our backyard and cutting wood with an electric saw without using earplugs, I wanted to lash out at him about ear protection like a drama-driven reality TV star. But I held back. And I noticed I held back.

Instead, I calmly spoke with him later about my concerns. I told him it made me nervous when he also didn’t use earplugs when installing new smoke detectors in the house. I told him that, while I’m not going deaf (yet), I’m pretty sure I inherited bad hearing (and desperately need subtitles when we watch Netflix) and wished others wouldn’t take their hearing for granted.

All the while, that conversation solidified my answer to my question. Do I think you can be completely yourself around your partner, even if they’re the “right” person for you? I’d say something along the lines of “no” or “not really” (and that’s okay).

You’re welcome to disagree, but let me make my case (based entirely on my intuition).

Relationship Advice

When I think of being “completely myself,” I think of who I am when I’m drunk or driving by myself—my uninhibited, unfiltered, unabridged self (in the “driving” case, I think of the road-ragey person I am when no one else is in the car to judge me when I’m yelling at the douchebag who cut me off).

While Phillip has seen my road rage, he doesn’t care for it. So, I try to tone it down, just like I controlled my impulses when he used that electric saw without earplugs.

For whatever reason we hold back instead of exploding—be it because we’re scared of our partner’s reaction, you don’t want to come off “difficult,” or you quickly realize your true, primal self released from its cage wouldn’t serve the greater good—we know deep down that the “effort” part (because rock-solid relationships take effort, not work) of maintaining a relationship is the diplomatic part we try to play under the circumstances.

So, again, no, I don’t think we can be completely, absolutely, 110% ourselves with our partners. But I think Phillip’s “yes” came from a good place.

In the end, relationships take compromise, and it helps to put that wild tiger aside (without sacrificing who you are in general) to make the relationship thrive.

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help showing your true colors in your relationship without becoming the devil, then fill out the easy form on this page and I’ll be in touch ASAP.

A Reader Asks: “I Like a Guy Who Probably Doesn’t Like Me Back. Should I Tell Him Anyway?”

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Sometimes readers write in with dating and relationship questions, so I thought I’d try something a little different by answering one on the blog.

One reader (whom we’ll call “Ramona”) wrote in:

I like a guy who probably doesn’t like me back. Should I tell him anyway, or keep it to myself?

Relationship Advice

In true life coaching, the coach asks the client open-ended, empowering questions to help the client arrive at her own answers (as opposed to a consultant, who tells the client what to do).

A few questions come to mind off the bat. One is “Tell me what you mean by ‘probably.’” What are the indicators that he “probably” doesn’t like you back?

Given that we all live through our own filters, we might interpret someone’s words and body language to mean one thing, even if the intended message was different.

Second, I might also ask you to lay out the pros and cons of telling him. If the worst case scenario is that he doesn’t like you back, then you’re both on the same page and can move on. If the best case scenario is that he likes you back, then you can take this on a date!

Finally, what does your gut tell you about whether or not to tell him? In the end, the client has the best judgment on her life, so why not trust your intuition?

In the end, I can tell you from experience that men will typically pursue you if they want to get to know you. The night Phillip and I met, he stepped up and asked for my number at the end of the evening, texting me two days later.

And, while minimally related, I once pursued a guy who I didn’t know had a girlfriend. He didn’t share that information with me, and eventually I found out through social media. My assessment on that is that sometimes “taken” men who are curious about another woman might go as far as boundaries will allow to get to know her. (The same might go for some “taken” women.)

Take Action

I hope that was helpful! If you’d like to submit a question to be considered for the blog (with names changed), then email me at holly@hollyshaftel.com.

If the time is right and you need help navigating a man’s brain from the outside, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll get in touch ASAP.

How to Make Your Relationship Work When You Disagree 99 Percent of the Time

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Animated gif from here

TL;DR: Disagreement is completely normal in a relationship, but it can be disastrous if you two have completely different worldviews. If you fit together like puzzle pieces, then the rest gets easier.

The title of this story is a bit of an exaggeration, and maybe you and your partner shouldn’t be together if your worldviews are about as similar as Barack Obama’s and Dick Cheney’s.

Honestly, I had that “maybe we’re not meant to be” feeling sometime after Phillip and I started dating, as I’ve written before. At our relationship’s genesis, I thought he and I were so different that I could have sworn our relationship was going to crash and burn like Armageddon.

Why? Because he likes heavy metal music, and I grew up on oldies but goodies. Because he likes dark sci-fi and post-apocalyptic movies, and I like dumb comedies and silly superhero movies (and it always took movie-length time for us to agree on a movie to watch). Because we could never agree on a place to visit abroad. Because my dad always opened doors for my sister and me like a butler does for his master, and that wasn’t really Phillip’s thing. Because he snores, sleep talks, and stomps his 6’4″ frame to the bathroom at night, and I’m a light sleeper (and had to get used to ear plugs and sleeping masks, because even our nocturnal tendencies disagreed with each other).

It doesn’t stop there. I thought our relationship was going to dissolve like the characters in Avengers: Infinity War because I grew up seeing my parents liking the same things and doing everything together like conjoined twins. They listened to the same country and folk music. They both like sci-fi and fantasy books and movies. They always had something to talk about at dinner. These days, they like taking their daily walks together (ah, the retired life).

I saw a lot of homogeneity between them, so I thought that was the “right” relationship model growing up. Yet I hardly paid attention to their unique attributes and what they did separately, such as my dad’s woodworking and my mom’s quilting.

So, flip back to Phillip and me. He and I are still here, nearly five years later. Neither of us has strangled the other in their sleep. Neither of us has poisoned the other’s drink. We’ve been to hell and back, conflict-wise, yet neither of us had to change the other like Bob Ross changed “mistakes” into birds on a canvas. How did we get here with very different preferences?

Relationship Advice

As with life, a relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. Marathons provide the test of time to get to know your partner. So, hopefully you’ve found someone who complements you like a puzzle piece instead of being the opposite (or same) sex version of yourself.

Credit: PIRO4D/pixabay

Over time, I learned that Phillip was my complementary puzzle piece, and if he had been the opposite sex version of myself, chaos would likely ensue. (I’ve met whom I would consider the opposite sex version of myself, and while I think he and I have chemistry, I don’t think we have long-term compatibility.) You need balance and diversity to make this world go ‘round.

Anyway, everyone has their own love story, which means that relationship advice can’t always be “one size fits all.” Certified life coaches know that. So, when you and your partner disagree 99 percent of the time, here’s what you can do to get on the same page:

  • Accept your dissimilarities
  • Agree to disagree
  • Find common ground
  • Compromise
  • Be open-minded to each other’s preferences

Yes, this is roughly how Phillip and I (and many other couples) got here after many, many months.

Take Action

If the time is right and you and your partner need help getting past your differences, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll get in touch ASAP.

Follow the Self-Love Yellow Brick Road for the Wonderful Things it Does

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I found this animated gif here.

TL;DR: Ladies, the world (particularly the media) tells us we cannot be [[happy and complete]] without a man to rescue us. But when we flip that idea on its head, we take back our power.

I recently chatted with a prospective client who was seriously one of the most impressive women I’ve ever met, even virtually. A hard-charging scientist, she recently went through a breakup and was facing the challenge of taking care of herself for herself. In other words, a man was often her primary motivation for self-care.

Even the best of us deal with it from time to time, and sometimes we take it to the extreme. What starts as a diet becomes an eating disorder that makes you look like the undead or a White Walker from Game of Thrones. What starts as a visit to the spa becomes frequent visits to cancerous tanning salons that make you look like an Oompa Loompa. What starts as a small Botox “treatment” becomes wild amounts of plastic surgery that end up moving your nose to your forehead and your left ear to your chin (kidding on all accounts, of course).

I’m not saying my prospective client was doing anything remotely like that, but some of us work ourselves to the bone or morph ourselves like balloon animals to impress another, even though we know that real love starts with ourselves. Time isn’t promised, so we can’t be wasting this one life we have developing disorders for someone who might not love us back.

So, when was the last time you looked at yourself in a foggy mirror after a shower, wearing nothing but a towel (or just nothing), and told yourself you were beautiful and deserved everything? When was the last time you did a sit-up, ate a vegetable, or meditated because you wanted to live a longer, more prosperous life on your own terms?

Let’s slay that unsustainable headspace and pedal to a place of healing, confidence, and control. Read on for tips to start your engine.

Relationship Advice

To hop on the self-love choo choo (or to follow the self-love Yellow Brick Road, if we’re following this blog post’s title), a first step is to follow your intuition. If something feels off, chances are it is. Almost like you’re looking at a map, step back and say to yourself, “I am here, and here’s why. I want to go there to complete my quest.”

You’re using your newfound awareness of the problem to state your “intention,” or goal. And just like writing a screenplay, you’re the main character who needs to overcome obstacles to achieve a goal. To land the man and relationship of your dreams (starting with a relationship with yourself), you need to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkey cronies (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz reference for those who have been living in a hole under a rock on another planet in a different dimension).

These obstacles are often mental, and we certified life coaches call them gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs. To help you defeat the witch, we might ask you certain questions, like:

  • How are you feeling now?
  • Think of the last time you did something for yourself. How did you feel?
    • What action did you take?
  • Think of a time when you felt your healthiest. How did you feel?
    • What action did you take?
  • How can you apply that energy today?
  • How can you take it a step further?
  • How would you like to feel in the end?
  • How committed are you to your success?

To get from “here” to “there” on the map always starts and ends with a feeling. The action and commitment make it happen.

For more help, Deborah Khoshaba at Psychology Today offers a seven-step prescription for self-love:

  • Become mindful
  • Act on your needs instead of your wants
  • Practice good self-care (e.g., diet and exercise)
  • Set boundaries
  • Protect yourself with good friends and family
  • Forgive yourself (don’t be hard on yourself)
  • Live intentionally

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help taking care of yourself for yourself instead of someone who might be wasting your time, then fill out the easy form on this page and I’ll be in touch ASAP.

Relationship-Building is Trust-Building, and It Starts with You

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Source: kingtumblr.com

TL;DR: Relationship trust involves ingredients like vulnerability and reliability. To rebuild trust once lost, start trusting yourself first.

Let’s talk about relationship trust. If you could rate how well you trust people (including your partner) on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “not at all” and 10 being “always,” where would you stand?

That might be a tough one to answer, but it goes without saying that relationship-building is trust-building. Yet, trust can be difficult to attain, almost like my getting an “A” in math class back in the day. In fact, I’m trying to earn your trust by sending weekly emails and regularly posting on Instagram and YouTube, hoping one day you (or someone you know) and I can form a coaching relationship.

And to build trust involves ingredients like vulnerability and reliability, like the flour and egg to your cake (more active ingredients here). For example, I’ve found that I can be really vulnerable (or just lack a filter LOL) and, hence, the Queen of TMI [insert poop joke here]. On the other hand, I’m guilty of holding others to a super high “reliability” standard because, while I’m not perfect, my mother instilled reliability in me like a rancher brands a cow, or like a kid in detention writes one hundred lines of “Must be reliable” on a chalkboard.

So, when people constantly over-promise and under-deliver, their “reliability” score tends to decline in my book, almost like a crashing stock. That means that once lost, it can be hard to cultivate that trust again (sort of like fixing a broken economy? Okay, making not that extreme).

Given that everyone has their own love story, whether that’s loving yourself or another, how do you (re)build trust? I’ve provided a tidbit buffet below.

Relationship Advice

Even though we’ve been together for several years, Phillip and I never stop working on our trust. It’s a marathon as long as we keep running it together, like the cross-country run in Forrest Gump. We try to hold each other accountable for our promises while choosing our battles. And no, no one said this was easy, but it takes more effort than work if you’re in a rock-solid relationship.

Ask yourself these questions (inspired by loveisrespect.org) to assess the trust in your relationship (preferably on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being “never” and 10 being “always”):

  • How much are my partner and I there for each other?
  • How consistent are we with each other?
  • How often do we say what we mean to each other?
  • My trust was broken in the past. How much can I trust again?

Let’s look at that last one, which delivers on the promise I made earlier. (Sorry, it took a while for me to get there!) How can you trust again?

Some of you have figured it out, but as with everything that connects you to the existential out-realm of life, it starts with you, the nucleus. How much do you trust yourself? Once you tap into your inner Super Woman of Self-Love, you can begin to trust others again and know that however you’ve been wronged in the past, it doesn’t mean you’ll be wronged again. Tell that fake news of the mind (fear) to step aside.

Take Action

If the time is right, the trust feels broken in your relationship, and you need a certified relationship coach’s help to rebuild that trust, then fill out the form on this page and I’ll get back to you ASAP.

Is Your Partner Annoying the Shit Out of You? It’s Time to Flip the Script

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Credit: Gratisography/Pexels

TL;DR: It’s easy to fixate on your partner’s imperfections instead of taking a hard look at yourself. Flip the script (reverse roles) to remember you’re both human.

I chatted with a friend recently who’d been exhibiting many symptoms of an anxious and insecure relationship. Her tendency to overthink her boyfriend’s actions left her feeling paralyzed like a stunned animal. Their communication styles were out of sync like a movie with delayed sound. And like many people who’ve taken my relationship insecurity quiz so far (and like me when Phillip and I started dating), she nitpicked his flaws like picking leaves and petals off a plant, one at a time.

This conversation sprouted many sparkly lessons to share with you, but one takeaway that stands out in my mind is flipping the script.

Wtf does that even mean?

Of course, the internet yields different definitions, but I’m talking about reversing roles. Flipping the script helps you look at a situation from another perspective, and it can come in handy when dealing with inner and outer relationship conflict.

For example, let’s look at our tendency to nitpick our partner’s flaws. It’s easy to call your man “the most forgetful human you’ve ever met,” or an “asshole driver,” or a “bad texter,” or “lazy” when he doesn’t do work around the house.

While some of these judgments might be true on some level, let’s flip the script: What if he nitpicked your flaws? Maybe you hog the bed at night (like my parents’ dog). Maybe he thinks you nag too much (like his mom). Maybe you get easily distracted by your phone when he’s trying to talk to you (like many millennials). Maybe your unnecessarily large Fran Drescher art collection takes up half the house (Wine Country reference).

It’s easy to critique everything about the other person without looking at ourselves in the mirror. So, when we flip the script, we take ourselves off a pedestal and create a level playing field. In other words, we need to acknowledge that we’re all flawed, so patience, acceptance, and understanding are in order.

Relationship Advice

How would a certified relationship coach like me help you flip the script in your relationship? Every client is different, but chances are we’d dig deeply into the gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs (GAILs) that might be influencing your damaging thoughts and feelings toward your partner. While we can’t surgically change our partners’ behaviors and personality, we can certainly mold our own behaviors, starting with our mindsets.

Here are some questions to consider when slaying your GAILs:

  1. What might be prompting you to critique your partner?
  2. What thoughts come to mind when your partner acts the way he does?
  3. How do you feel when he does that?
  4. What actions do you take when that happens?
  5. What’s another way to interpret his actions?
  6. What thoughts and feelings do you have under that new interpretation?
  7. The next time he does something you dislike, what new action can you take?

Take Action

Speaking of taking action, if the time is right and you need a certified relationship coach to help you get past your relationship anxiety and insecurity and reignite that spark in your relationship, then fill out the easy form here and I’ll be in touch within 24 hours!