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Is Your Partner Annoying the Shit Out of You? It’s Time to Flip the Script

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Credit: Gratisography/Pexels

TL;DR: It’s easy to fixate on your partner’s imperfections instead of taking a hard look at yourself. Flip the script (reverse roles) to remember you’re both human.

I chatted with a friend recently who’d been exhibiting many symptoms of an anxious and insecure relationship. Her tendency to overthink her boyfriend’s actions left her feeling paralyzed like a stunned animal. Their communication styles were out of sync like a movie with delayed sound. And like many people who’ve taken my relationship insecurity quiz so far (and like me when Phillip and I started dating), she nitpicked his flaws like picking leaves and petals off a plant, one at a time.

This conversation sprouted many sparkly lessons to share with you, but one takeaway that stands out in my mind is flipping the script.

Wtf does that even mean?

Of course, the internet yields different definitions, but I’m talking about reversing roles. Flipping the script helps you look at a situation from another perspective, and it can come in handy when dealing with inner and outer relationship conflict.

For example, let’s look at our tendency to nitpick our partner’s flaws. It’s easy to call your man “the most forgetful human you’ve ever met,” or an “asshole driver,” or a “bad texter,” or “lazy” when he doesn’t do work around the house.

While some of these judgments might be true on some level, let’s flip the script: What if he nitpicked your flaws? Maybe you hog the bed at night (like my parents’ dog). Maybe he thinks you nag too much (like his mom). Maybe you get easily distracted by your phone when he’s trying to talk to you (like many millennials). Maybe your unnecessarily large Fran Drescher art collection takes up half the house (Wine Country reference).

It’s easy to critique everything about the other person without looking at ourselves in the mirror. So, when we flip the script, we take ourselves off a pedestal and create a level playing field. In other words, we need to acknowledge that we’re all flawed, so patience, acceptance, and understanding are in order.

Relationship Advice

How would a certified relationship coach like me help you flip the script in your relationship? Every client is different, but chances are we’d dig deeply into the gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs (GAILs) that might be influencing your damaging thoughts and feelings toward your partner. While we can’t surgically change our partners’ behaviors and personality, we can certainly mold our own behaviors, starting with our mindsets.

Here are some questions to consider when slaying your GAILs:

  1. What might be prompting you to critique your partner?
  2. What thoughts come to mind when your partner acts the way he does?
  3. How do you feel when he does that?
  4. What actions do you take when that happens?
  5. What’s another way to interpret his actions?
  6. What thoughts and feelings do you have under that new interpretation?
  7. The next time he does something you dislike, what new action can you take?

Take Action

Speaking of taking action, if the time is right and you need a certified relationship coach to help you get past your relationship anxiety and insecurity and reignite that spark in your relationship, then fill out the easy form here and I’ll be in touch within 24 hours!

Ladies, Quit Playing ‘Whac-A-Mole’ When Planning Dates via Texting

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From Screenhumor.com

TL;DR: Ladies, don’t play “Whac-A-Mole” with a man when he’s trying to plan dates with you over text messaging. If you don’t like his suggestions, give him a counter offer; if you don’t want to see him anymore, tell him instead of drifting away.

Ladies, let’s talk about making date plans through texting. One of my male colleagues at my day job was seeing someone for a couple of months and received what he considered a “disconcerting” text.

I won’t give you the details for privacy’s sake, but he was basically trying to keep up the momentum by seeing if she was available during the upcoming weekend. She said she was unavailable but provided neither a reason nor a counter offer (that is, when she’d be free next).

I didn’t have enough deets to tell him what she might be thinking, and I was trying to avoid judging this person I didn’t know. But the mystery really ruffled our feathers like nails on a chalkboard. It seemed like she was going to ghost him, but I welcomed the possibility that something big and distracting came up that she was failing to communicate. It happens, and I told him that.

Regardless, while certified life coaches are trained to ask their clients open-ended, empowering questions to help them arrive at their own answers, this incident inspired me to go into impassioned “consulting” mode. Here, I share some ridiculously simple, common-sense advice for either keeping up the momentum in a budding relationship or wasting less time in one. Read on.

Relationship Advice

I might get penalized for saying this, but we were witnessing a habit I see more often in women than in men. Men will suggest date plans, then women (not all, but many) will play “Whac-A-Mole” with those suggestions and seem to expect the guy to read their mind and keep suggesting plans until something sticks. Otherwise, they might be hinting that they’re not interested anymore.

Here are a couple of examples of the dating version of “Whac-A-Mole” I’m talking about:

Man: Are you free this weekend?
Woman: Sorry, I’m busy this weekend.
[Whacked!]

Man: Interested in a hike?
Woman: Sorry, I need to stay off my left foot for a while.
[Whacked]

Man: Okay, well, I’ve been eyeballing this new Korean BBQ place. How about that instead?
Woman: I’m actually vegan, so that wouldn’t work for me.
[Whacked]

Now, if this were a work conversation and your boss wanted your constructive feedback, how much would it serve the organization (or, in this case, two adult humans) to complain, critique, and basically play the “No” game instead of “Yes, and…” (improv game) without providing a solution?

Here’s how you can turn those conversations around:

“I’m busy this weekend, but I’m free Tuesday night if that works for you.” [Momentum sustained!]

“How about watching some old movies at my apartment instead?” [Momentum sustained!]

Now, that wasn’t so hard, was it? I need one of those “That was easy!” buttons.

Now, you might be thinking that maybe she’s not interested in the guy anymore. That’s certainly possible, and for that, I have a solution: She needs to be fucking honest with him, because it’s the fucking mature thing to do.

“Thank you so much for everything, but after thinking about it, I’m not sure we’re compatible.” Then wish him well. If he overreacts, then good riddance!

Fuck, even ask for feedback so you can perform better on future dates! You would at work, so why not in your romantic life?

I know if can be hard to break the cycle with someone you barely know. Given the world we live in, those big balls of testosterone-driven cells can be scary and aggro if they get an undesirable result from you. But how much can you agree with me when I say it’s better to be forthright and not waste your time (since time isn’t promised) than to let a guy keep pursuing you because he didn’t pick up your indirect signals? How would you feel if we flipped the script and he led you on or Whac-A-Moled you?

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help being honest with your partner or maintaining momentum, then fill out the easy form here and I’ll be in touch by either phone or email within the same day!

What My Gut-Wrenching Abdominal Pain Can Teach You About Your Relationship

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Credit: USDA/Flickr (Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0) )

TL;DR: Recovering from about five months of some of the worst irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) I ever had, I reflect on the journey and discuss being your own advocate in times of trouble and an advocate for your relationship.

Have you ever endured a horrible medical problem that left you out of commission for a long time? Better yet, if/when you solved it, did it teach you an amazing life lesson? (Warning: long story and related relationship advice approaching!)

As I’m writing this, I’m recovering from five months of chronic abdominal pain (specifically, irritable bowel syndrome) that left me vegetating most weekends like a drooling internet troll. It started when I took medication for a menstrual migraine and continued especially during strenuous exercise, when I was under normal amounts of stress, and during that time of the month.

I wondered if there was something wrong with my uterus, so I went to the OB/GYN, who gave me an ultrasound. She discovered nothing wrong with my uterus, but my intestines looked hyperactive, almost like moving Jell-O. (To those who take things literally, don’t take that literally.) She recommended I see a gastroenterologist and prescribed antibiotics for a different problem.

Seeing the General Practitioner

Since my health care provider is the bureaucratic land of Kaiser Permanente, I had to go to my general practitioner first. She asked me some questions, felt around on my belly, and said it seemed to be irritable bowel syndrome. Since I’d also had it in my late teens/early 20s and cured it by eating more fiber, I thought it would be easy-peasy to cure again. My doctor prescribed Bentyl, a “promising” intestine relaxer (that I later discovered made me feel less inhibited in my speech and actions, like being drunk), that I could take as needed up to three times a day.

Bentyl made the pain disappear after a couple of weeks, during which I was also taking two other medications (the antibiotic and Spironolactone, the latter for hormone-induced acne). It was difficult to balance that concoction, like juggling glass bottles, because I was afraid of accidentally turning that witch’s brew into something dangerous if I hadn’t timed the pills right. Shortly after I went off Bentyl, though, the pain returned, and it was so much worse.

Seeing the Gastroenterologist

I kept taking Bentyl out of desperation and finally went to the gastroenterologist. She also trusted the medication but sent me to the Diagnostic Imaging Center for a full pelvic ultrasound. She also recommended this expensive over-the-counter peppermint oil stuff called IBGard.

“Email me a progress report in six weeks,” she told me.

I did everything she asked me to do. The peppermint oil shit didn’t do shit and the ultrasound looked fine. While I was glad it was “fine,” it still didn’t solve the mystery. I emailed her saying I tried everything, even staying on the low-FODMAP diet that I’ve been on for 1.5 years. She said to schedule another consultation with her. When I called Kaiser to schedule an appointment, the receptionist said she wouldn’t be available for another 1.5 weeks.

I was furious and said I needed to see someone soon, since the pain was out of control like a temper-tantrum toddler. While it’s normally best to see the same doctor for gut (and many other types of) pain, I opted to see the physician’s assistant in two days and endure the pain until then.

Seeing the Physician’s Assistant

Everyone who knew about this pain was worried: my boss, my partner Phillip, my immediate family, and some of my closest colleagues. I was hoping one more Kaiser visit would be it and I’d go back to living my life, particularly off the couch.

I saw Ravyn, a wonderful, kind PA who vigorously took notes as I talked and “played” them back to make sure she captured everything. But she was also stumped, just like the doctors. I told her I had to take a sick day earlier that week because the pain felt like someone was squeezing and twisting my insides while laughing like a mad, red-eyed psychopath (okay, maybe not in so many words, but you get the idea). She left the room to get a second opinion and then returned.

“Okay, since you have no family history of this to your knowledge, all signs point to this being a functional problem,” she said. “It’s classic IBS, which means we don’t need to operate on you. Do you take any supplements?”

“I’ve taken Metamucil,” I responded.

“So, that can give you a lot of gas. We’d recommend Benefiber and Greek yogurt,” she said.

“Seriously? Benefiber and Greek yogurt?” I thought to myself, rolling my eyes on the inside.

But I had to try. I was desperate.

Greek Yogurt: My Last Resort

I tried the Benefiber first and got nothing but pain and diarrhea (sorry, TMI). Then one Monday morning, I was a little late to work and thought I’d get breakfast at one of the cafeterias. But since I hadn’t eaten and hadn’t been able to treat the pain, I felt like I was at a crawl, like the protagonist of a superhero movie losing a fight. I felt pale and weak but had to get the one thing I hadn’t tried: Greek yogurt.

I returned to my office with the yogurt and was on the floor. I opened it, took my first bite, and immediately I felt like the clouds had parted for singing angels to come down from the heavens to congratulate me. The pain began to disappear like a colony of bats leaving a cave. I felt the color return to my face. I felt lively again!

I texted my partner Phillip to let him know what happened.

“Maybe I was missing good bacteria this whole time,” I said.

“You took antibiotics, which can kill some of the good bacteria in your intestines,” he said.

I paused for a moment, wondering why I hadn’t put two and two together during these difficult months. I wrote that in a text to Phillip.

“The real question is why the doctors didn’t put two and two together,” he said.

Thinking back, antibiotics had never been a problem for me, apparently until now, and the doctors and I had totally overlooked it as a possibility. Instead, it seemed like the docs did what American docs are known to do (at least in my experience), which is to throw medications at the symptoms instead of treating the cause. Whatever had started the pain, antibiotics had probably worsened it. So, I loaded the fridge with Kefir products and Greek yogurt and stopped taking my migraine medication (and Bentyl).

Mystery solved (at least for now)!

Relationship Advice

That was a long story to get through, so if you made it this far, you get a metaphorical goodie bag of life lessons!

Perhaps a major takeaway from this experience that I can share with you (other than the obvious “don’t give up” stuff) is to be your own advocate, which can be easier said than done. To be your own advocate is not only to assert yourself in times of trouble, but to be an advocate for others, including in your relationship. Social psychologist Adam Galinsky says this “mama bear” effect of advocating for others can help widen your scope of influence.

Credit: Gúnna/Flickr (Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivs 2.0 Generic (CC BY-ND 2.0)

I knew a doctor’s “detached love” and tendency to prescribe “quick fixes” wasn’t going to help my situation alone. This practice resulted in overlooked details, so I had to be on my toes as much as I could. I had to keep fighting to figure out a solution alongside a medical professional, especially since this pain was also affecting those around me. Phillip the engineer was frustrated that he couldn’t solve it. My parents were silently worried and couldn’t figure it out. My boss and colleagues were hoping this would end soon and tried to be supportive, even when the issue was affecting my work performance.

In your relationship, though, advocacy can take on several personas. You advocate for your well-being and the relationship’s well-being, because you know your relationship is greater than the sum of its parts. If something feels off or your needs aren’t met, you tell your partner using “I” statements. When your partner is in trouble, you step up for the team, because it’s hard to achieve anything in this world alone. Furthermore, if your relationship isn’t working out, you develop the confidence to leave and find a more suitable partner.

With that said, I’ll bring this to an end by referring back to Galinsky’s words. To strengthen your influence as an advocate, be not only a “ferocious mama bear,” but also:

  • be a humble advice seeker
  • have evidence for your case
  • have strong allies
  • be passionately empathetic

Take Action

If the time is right and you need help being your own advocate in your relationship, then fill out the easy form on this page. I’ll be in touch.

Timing, Taking Leaps, and Taking Back Control of Your Love Life

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Credit: Pixabay/Pexels

TL;DR: Timing is everything in dating and relationships. But when the timing is right and you’re hesitant to move forward, sometimes you need to take a leap of faith. When you take that leap, you’re taking back control of your love life.

When NASA sends spacecraft into Earth orbit or to another planet, the rocket launch is often weather-dependent, there can’t be other orbiting spacecraft blocking the rocket’s trajectory, and other planets in our solar system have to be in a certain position so spacecraft heading to the outer limits can use their gravity to pass by. (This is certainly better explained here.)

There are many other factors involved, but the point is that timing is everything, almost like your morning coffee or, for several people, Game of Thrones before the last season. They’re everything to those folks.

The same goes for dating and relationships. Timing matters when you’re deciding whether or not you’re ready to meet new people, enter a relationship, move in together, tie the knot, and have kids. And if you’re hesitating on any of these, sometimes you need to put fear and science aside to take a leap of faith. NASA has jumped into the unknown before, and so can you!

Rocket science aside, let’s review how timing worked between Phillip and me. (I can’t help but use us as an example!)

When Big Pip and I met:

  • I was several months out of graduate school (graduate school gave me little time to maintain my last relationship)
  • I had just turned 26, so I had passed the mid-20s mark, was over casual dating, and was itching for a relationship again
  • The week prior, Phillip had decided to quit drinking and smoking weed, both of which had negatively affected his life and relationships
  • He had gotten out of a relationship four months earlier and had already moved on
  • There are pros and cons to this, but he had just temporarily moved back in with his parents (near my parents’ house, where I was living), closing the distance between us

Going with the NASA metaphor, it seemed like the stars (or planets, rather) aligned for us. And honestly, cynical Holly at the time thought timing, among other things, would never work in her favor like that, almost like a night at the casino.

But unless there’s something seriously “wrong” with you, I learned to never say “never” under many circumstances. That’s not to say you should keep trying your luck at the casino; instead, I’m saying that taking that leap of faith can help you take back control of your love life.

Relationship Advice

What in the whaaaa do I mean by that? Well, dating and relationships can be scary, like the movie IT or Get Out (okay, maybe not that bad for some people). Timing doesn’t always seem to be on your side, as much as the Rolling Stones promise. Rejection and breakups are possible, and each unsuccessful launch (again with the NASA metaphor) can add up to make you feel like you’re crumbling. So, oftentimes it feels safer to lock yourself in a room and avoid dating or being in a relationship at all.

But that’s exactly what’ll keep you from your romantic potential. Entrepreneurship-wise, I took a leap of faith in starting this business, and who knows what’ll come of it? While some days feel more impossible than others, making me feel like I’m crazy for even doing this, I still decide to show up because I want to know what could be. That’s where I’m taking control.

How can you take back control of your love life?

  • Set the rules to weed out bad apples
  • Put yourself out there regardless of what happens
  • Tell the negative self-talk to STFU
  • Assert yourself and speak your truth
  • Stop comparing yourself to others and start owning your narrative
  • Do all of this while respecting your male counterpart

What are other ways you can take back control of your love life? Comment below!

Take Action

Speaking of timing, if you’re ready to take back control of your love life, then take the leap with me by filling out the form on this page. I’ll be in touch.

Why Conflict Early On Can Be the Greens You Need for a Healthy Relationship

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Credit: Colorado State University Extension

TL;DR: Conflict is very normal in any rock-solid relationship. A major difference between healthy and unhealthy conflict is if you’re able to work through it constructively.

When you think back to all of your closest friendships, how many of them started with some sort of conflict? Did you have to grow on each other? Did one of you make the other cry? Did you have to work out your differences?

I don’t know about you, but I can recall several of my platonic relationships starting with conflict. I can think of someone who rubbed me the wrong way but grew on me (inner conflict). I can think of someone who (unintentionally) made me cry, but we worked past our differences with open communication. We learned that we can strengthen our bond like Gorilla Glue to get through the good and bad times.

Next question: When you consider all of your acquaintances, how many of them do you think have stayed acquaintances partially because you haven’t leveled up to conflict? Perhaps as long as you avoid it, nothing can really grow, almost like the poor lantanas in my backyard.

This whole discussion takes me to the early days of Phillip’s and my relationship. Our major fights occurred every few months, sort of like a woman’s periods on Seasonique. I can remember sitting outside of his parents’ house at night fighting over this and that. I remember when we spent an entire week apart without a peep from each other because I felt mistreated during a Mexico trip.

I can also remember walking around the local gym’s indoor track feeling infuriated after walking out on a fight we were having at home, after we started living together. I remember thinking I had never had so much conflict with a significant other before. But it took me a moment to understand something.

“Phillip and I have been together longer than any of our previous relationships,” I reminded myself. “At this point in our lives, the conflict we’re experiencing is real. We’re in a real adult relationship and experiencing real adult conflict. We’re not in high school or college anymore.”

That’s when it started to make sense to me. Looking back, I can say those fights were some of the leafy greens we needed to help build our healthy, intimate relationship.

Relationship Advice

Sometimes I’m skeptical when couples claim they never fought, or never had a major fight, until several years into their relationship. I know anomalies exist, but if what they claim is true, then what would happen when the floodgates of conflict open on those couples three years in? Five years in? Longer? How prepared are they to work it out?

That’s why I’d argue it helps to learn how to fight early into a rock-solid relationship—maybe not from the get-go, but when you’ve hit momentum. Conflict resolution is one of those important interpersonal skills you learn through teamwork. When you’re in a romantic relationship, you’re on a team, and every team works new skills into muscle memory through practice, practice, practice.

So, over time you might learn that he is the temperamental one and you’re the calm one. You learn that using “I” statements can help you calm the storm. You learn from the past and move past it, instead of repeatedly bringing it up. You learn to actively listen to each other and reroute your energies in a new, more constructive direction.

Some couples will quit a relationship when they hit a seemingly impossible roadblock, such as not having enough money. While it’s possible to have irreconcilable differences, it makes sense that those who overcome major roadblocks and help each other out of metaphorical quicksand are able to do so because they’ve been down that road before (and found their relationship worth the struggle).

Indeed, not everybody likes spinach (going with the earlier “leafy greens” analogy), but we’re stronger for eating it.

Take Action

Here are 10 evidence-based tips for handling conflict more constructively (full article):

  1. Be direct
  2. Talk about how you feel without blaming your partner
  3. Never say “never” (or “always”)
  4. Pick your battles
  5. Really listen to your partner
  6. Don’t automatically object to your partner’s complaints
  7. Take a different perspective
  8. Do not show contempt for your partner
  9. Don’t get overwhelmed with negativity
  10. Know when it’s time for a time-out

If the time is right and you need help applying these strategies to your relationship, then fill out the form here and we’ll talk.

Make an Effort: What the Zero-Waste Lifestyle and Your Relationship Have in Common

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A landfill, where much of our waste goes. Landfills emit methane, a potent greenhouse (heat-trapping) gas that contributes to climate change. Credit: U.S. Air Force photo/Tech. Sgt. Brian Ferguson

At the time of writing this, I’ve been working in climate change communications (my day job) for seven years. But it pains me to say that I’ve only recently started taking composting and the zero-waste lifestyle seriously. I felt awakened one day, almost like when some of my middle-aged friends woke up after turning 50 feeling relentlessly interested in Civil War history and went straight to the computer wide-eyed to learn everything they could.

It started with my thinking of ways to lower my living expenses, which reminded me once again that money and environmentalism are nearly inseparable. Saving money (like growing food instead of driving to the grocery store) can often help save the environment. Less consumption, happier planet.

But as I went down the rabbit hole of ways I could do my part for Mother Nature, I also remembered that many environmentally-friendly decisions tend to come with less convenience. For example, if I wanted to stop getting lactose-free milk in a plastic container, then my options (as I could see them) were:

  1. Find where I could get lactose-free milk in glass bottles:
    • At a nearby farm? Hard to do if you live in Los Angeles…
    • At a farmer’s market? Maybe…
    • At a smaller grocery store? I’d need to research them all! There’s one in San Francisco that carries milk in glass bottles, but that’s far…
    • Build a time machine and go back to the 1950s? Ugh…
  2. Find where I could get refills if I need to stick to plastic.
  3. Buy a cow or goat, but those take many, many resources to keep alive, especially the cow.
  4. Stop drinking milk altogether and make an alternative, like nut milk, although I might miss out on certain nutrients.

Some of you might have figured out a solution for yourselves, but I started to feel overwhelmed by the shift I’d need to make from a convenient, wasteful life that continues our addiction to plastic and fossil fuels to a less convenient, less wasteful life.

So, what does this have to do with your relationship? I’m glad you asked, friend!

Relationship Advice

After some time, I realized that a behavioral shift was nothing new to me, at least on a smaller scale. By that, I mean that anyone who’s ever been in a successful relationship knows that you need to make behavioral shifts to keep each other happy and thrive.

By that, I mean that the relationship itself (or the planet itself, in this scenario) is greater than the sum of its parts, so you need to take yourself off a pedestal and do your part. Do the goddamn dishes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Pick up your partner’s cold medicine when he’s sick in bed. Attend that work function with him if it means the world to him. (And hopefully he’ll return the favor if you ask!)

By that, I mean it’s less about convenience and more about making a goddamn effort.

The United Nations recently put out what the authors describe as the most accurate and comprehensive report on plant and animal extinction, finding that one million of the estimated eight million plant and animal species are at risk due to human influence.

While some days in our relationships seem insurmountable, whether you’re fighting over whose turn it is to destroy the umpteenth ant infestation in your kitchen after a long day at work (speaking from experience) or going through a divorce, I’d argue that our planet’s inhabitants are in much deeper shit. Respectfully, I’d say that worrying whether or not he’s going to propose or if he’s going to make time for date night, while understandable, is a tiny ailment compared to what’s at stake in the greater scheme of things.

So, whether it’s the only planet that gives you love and life (because, hell, Jupiter won’t) or the man with whom you choose to team up for the long haul, just remember that a worthy effort often takes baby steps. Shift your mindset, shift your behavior, make a difference.

Take Action

Could you or your partner be making more of an effort to preserve your relationship? If the time is right, talk to a certified relationship coach to help you navigate those rough waters.

Want to jump on the zero-waste bandwagon? Here are some resources to learn more:

A Tale of Two Marriage Proposals

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Credit: Alexas_Fotos/Pixabay

These days, many of us look at our world through a social media filter. Some of us stage our lives for the perfect Instagram photo, and engagement photos are no exception. Flawless, vivid, otherworldly, and in love.

I invite you to glance through the lens of two disparate marriage proposals: a fellow co-worker’s elaborate display and Amy Schumer’s hilariously simple (and some would say “unromantic”) invitation to legally bind her love.

Elaborately Planned Proposal

A colleague at my day job (at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory) brought his girlfriend on a private lab tour. He showed her the usual highlights and eventually landed at the main Spacecraft Assembly Facility, where engineers build spacecraft like the Curiosity Mars Rover currently on the Red Planet.

There are a few short films to watch in the viewing gallery, and somehow he slipped in a special clip asking her to marry him. When that clip arrived, she was confused and looked at him so.

“Barb, you mean the universe to me. Will you marry me?” He asked.

She nodded misty eyed.

“Remember I told you that if we were meant to be, there would be a sign?” He said.

He pointed to one of the engineers on the other side of the glass, who held up a sign reading “Say yes!”

She said yes, and the rest was history.

Hilariously Simple Proposal

I watch a little too much stand-up comedy and recently saw Amy Schumer’s latest Netflix special.

In it, she describes how her autism spectrum husband “proposed.” They were in bed one morning, and then he crawled out and rummaged through his things. She was still lying there in her “cocoon” (sleeping mask and earplugs).

Then she felt something small and box-like land next to her.

“I got you this,” he said.

She lifted her mask and opened the box to find an engagement ring. I can’t remember what she said next, but I think it was along the lines of “yes” or “cool,” or they wouldn’t be married today.

She went back to sleep, and the rest was history.

Relationship Advice

So, why did I open with commentary about social media? Easy: Social media gives us an oh-so-fun opportunity to compare ourselves to others in a staged, doctored world, almost like when we compare our bodies to photoshopped supermodels we see in magazines. It can aggravate our deepest insecurities, like picking a scab.

In a quick Google search, I noticed several articles providing (what I consider) over-the-top ideas for men to propose to their girlfriends, as if the goal is to one-up everyone else and get a bajillion “likes” instead of simply asking the woman who “means the universe” to you to take the next step.

In the end, I’d argue it doesn’t matter how it’s done, as long as it’s done with love and intention, not for attention. That’s why I told the story of two different marriage proposals and particularly love Amy’s. It seems real and true to herself; unfiltered.

But if you’re a dude and reading this, and you still want to go above and beyond, here’s my “proposal” proposal that’ll catch her off guard (like way off guard):

Have a bro dress up sketchy-like and kidnap her in his trunk. Drive to a cliff with several speed bumps and sharp turns along the way. Take her out of the trunk and hold her at gunpoint until her man shows up and gets down on one knee…

I’m SO kidding! Please. Don’t. Ever. Do. This!

Take Action

Is social media your kryptonite when it comes to your self-worth and romantic relationships? Have you and your man been together a long time and he still hasn’t proposed? A certified relationship coach is at your service!

Also, I encourage you to take my relationship insecurity quiz to serve as a launchpad for turning your love life around. Afterward, you’re welcome to email me your feedback (or as some say, “feedforward”) at holly@hollyshaftel.com.

How Chris Pine’s Character in Wonder Woman Reminded Me That Fairy Tales Can Be Hard to Come By

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Credit: Charnchai / Pixabay

If you’re anything like me, you thought the movie Wonder Woman was out of this world and Chris Pine, who played Diana Prince’s love interest, was a mesmerizing hunk. An unassuming, sweet gentleman with “swaying” skills. (Remember the dance scene after they defeat the bad guys at No Man’s Land?) A brave soul with dreamy blue eyes and luscious lips. A tender man who puts others before himself, like a modern-day Jesus. Someone who sacrificed himself to bring Earth closer to world peace, like Jesus (I think? I’m neither religious nor spiritual, so I can’t remember how that went).

I’ve written a few times about the “perfect man” list I architected before I met my partner Phillip. The media to which I was exposed growing up fed me unrealistic expectations of love and men, prompting me to sculpt the perfect specimen in my mind that could never (or at least very unlikely) be realized. I wanted a Prince Charming, a sensitive artist who would serenade me like an Italian and cook like a goateed Frenchman.

But instead, I met Phillip, an impulsive, heavy metal-loving mechanical engineer with an addictive personality. A guy who partied and got into mischief like Mötley Crüe when he was in college. (Understandably, some would say he did college right!) An acquired taste, really.

He was completely different from what I was expecting in a mate, which gave me some romantic whiplash. Eventually, though, I learned to throw away that “perfect man” blueprint and evaluate the relationship itself, not the man. At the time of writing this, we’ve been together for nearly 4.5 years.

Anyway, after watching Wonder Woman again recently (and the Mötley Crüe biopic The Dirt for the first time), floating on a Chris Pine dream cloud, I snapped out of it and realized once again that I was being fed another idealistic caricature that could never (or again, very unlikely) exist. I remember saying out loud, “Wait, THAT’S why so many women are often disappointed when they try to meet Mr Right!” They expect fucking Chris Pine (like I did long ago) and never (or rarely) get fucking Chris Pine.

Thanks again, media!

Likewise, some men are often disappointed when they don’t get their big-boobied, sex-loving, deeply insecure Jenna Jamesons, or whoever the big porn stars are these days.

So, what’s the big takeaway here? Read on.

Relationship Advice

I’m not trying to discourage you from finding love, if that’s the vibe you’ve been getting from reading this blog post. I’m a relationship coach, so that’s the last thing I would want you to do. It would be like a fitness coach discouraging you from getting regular exercise, or a slave robot defeating its own purpose by disobeying your every command.

Robots aside, I’m trying to show you what I learned the hard way, which is to jump off the fairy tale cloud and into a world that makes more sense. Most people call it “reality.”

In the world of Reality:

  • both men and women are imperfect, which means people of both sexes will fuck up from time to time
  • you set realistic expectations, which means you can’t expect your man to step up if you want to be king and queen of the castle and get married and have kids tomorrow
  • you look for someone who meets some basic needs, such as compatibility (or long-term potential, as opposed to chemistry), security (how safe you feel with him), and active listening and conflict resolution skills

Sure, I’m lucky that, in my mind, Phillip has physical attractiveness on par with Thor, the God of Thunder (and even Chris Pine). It’s okay to want to drop trou every time you see your man. But I’m fairly certain we wouldn’t have made it this far in our relationship without having complementary personalities and interests and the willingness and stamina to learn how to understand each other.

So, the next time you find yourself feeling metaphorically swept off your feet by an on-screen dreamboat, feel free to let your imagination run wild, but remember that real relationship satisfaction springs from real effort and a more sustainable mindset.

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My Partner Hates My Hairy Legs. What Should I Do?

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As a professional editor by day, I winced at the typo in this image. But I also thought it was too funny not to share!

If you’re a woman who finds the idea of shaving your legs a little too sexist, and your partner would prefer that you regularly whip out the razor, what do you do?

That was a point of contention for my partner Phillip and me many months ago, when I noticed my free-spirited friend left her legs unshaved and didn’t give a fuck. Feeling awakened, I realized I could do the same and not give a fuck. You’re welcome to disagree, but I arrived at the opinion that leg-shaving was an unfair beauty standard for women and put down the razor like a rapper drops a mic.

And given my tan skin tone, it was hard to tell at a glance that I had given up the practice of shearing myself. But for my touchy-feely partner, he liked it about as much as a dirty hippie likes playing by the rules.

“Uh, do you think you could start shaving your legs again?” He asked. “It’s starting to bother me.”

The way I reacted was something along the lines of a mad white woman ranting about societal expectations and the patriarchy. In other words, “Heeeellllll nah!”

We had a long debate about that and what we find attractive in the opposite sex. Since he’s a hairy man, he wanted the opposite in his women. Still feeling upset, I touched a nerve when I said I’d shave my legs again if he lost weight. But over time, I silently gave in, and here’s why.

Relationship Advice

I’m still soooo against shaving my legs, but I picked up the razor again, shaving somewhat regularly, because relationships take compromise. He grew a beard for me, despite having to deal with the related hygiene issues (e.g., food falling into it), because I find it attractive (not the food part). Therefore, I decided to do my part in the relationship to keep him happy.

Many men have grown up knowing the “hairless woman” and have a hard time imagining it any other way. It’s an unfortunate truth, if you ask me, but I had to weigh it against my relationship. Do I spend a little time in the shower every other week shaving, or do I pick a different man who better understands where I’m coming from but might lack other amazing qualities I love about Phillip?

Some men are able to change their mindset to accommodate hairy legs, weird moles, unibrows, hunchbacks, or extra limbs, but in the end, dating coach Evan Marc Katz said it well: It’s hard to force yourself to be attracted to something you’re not, and you can’t just surgically change your partner’s personality and preferences. You can give and take, or you pick a new partner.

Take Action

Are you and your partner having a hard time accepting each other as you are? Are you having trouble accommodating each other’s beauty standards? Let’s talk! I’m certified to help women go from “anxious and insecure” in their relationships to “healthy and intimate” and will gladly support you on your journey.

My Boyfriend Spends Too Much Time With His Friends. What Should I Do?

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When Phillip and I started dating, I thought we were an unlikely pair, like the jock and the basket case from The Breakfast Club. He liked heavy metal music, while I liked oldies but goodies. He loved depressing sci-fi movies that left you wanting to cry in a corner, while I liked movies that generally promised a happy ending. And some of his habits (such as his addictive personality and sporadic texting style) made me worry that our relationship was going to crash and burn like one of his favorite post-apocalyptic movies.

While I was sometimes really judgmental about the things that made him imperfectly human, one of his habits that made me think, “Okay, what the actual fuck?!” was when he wanted to hang out with his childhood friends after most work shifts.

Let me explain. Sometimes he’d invite me to hang out with them (combining “girlfriend time” with “friend time,” as an efficiently-minded engineer might do), sometimes not. Some of these friends seemed okay with having me around, and some of them seemed threatened because I was smart and opinionated. But his sausage fests eventually became so routine that our one-on-one time started to feel like a bygone era.

Some women might be okay with this setup, but I was not. It seemed like a malnourished, unbalanced platform for growing a rock-solid relationship. The seedlings of our love were receiving Brawndo instead of water (Idiocracy reference).

It’s hard to admit, even for something so long ago, but I felt anxious and insecure because I thought he wasn’t prioritizing our budding relationship like he would work and family (and friends). I felt sidelined, like an underperforming football player. I was also tired of feeling like the unpopular girlfriend in a stadium of disapproving friends.

Relationship Advice

Looking back, I understand now that he simply had a little growing up to do (as did I) and was not always conscious of his behavior. Moreover, I learned from a dating coach that I could do what was in my control to regain my independence, and those actions would eventually reveal whether or not he thought I was worth more time in his book.

So, what did I do? Without scolding him, womanplaining, or giving him the silent treatment, I decided to show him that, if you’re with me, “friends” and “girlfriend” are sold separately.

How did I do it? The next time he told me he was going to go to his friend’s house and invited me to join, I simply said, “No thanks, I’ll do my own thing today. Have fun.” If he wanted to spend time with me, then I would be “over here.” If not, fine; I’m sure other people (including other eligible men) would want to hang out, or I could enjoy “me” time.

The next time he asked, I said roughly the same thing.

At some point, he must have realized that I was worth keeping around and he could lose me if we didn’t spend quality time together. The unbalanced scale started tipping toward the “girlfriend” side, probably since that side came with confidence, intelligence, purpose, and fewer dumb wrestling matches.

Caveat

It doesn’t always work out that way; as painful as it sounds, sometimes men realize they don’t want to pursue you, and that’s okay. You move on to someone who thinks you’re worth it, L’Oréal style. And he’ll know you’re worth it if you know you’re worth it.

Moreover, every relationship is different, which means that if you’re seeing someone who’s (unintentionally) putting you on the back burner, you can approach it differently than I did and still get a favorable result. Trust your gut and get answers your way.

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