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My Longtime Boyfriend Couldn’t Say the “L” Word: A (Dating) Lesson in Confidence

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Be confident; you got this!

Credit: Sydney Rae/Unsplash

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year, and something felt a little off.

After all of that time, neither of us had said the “L” word to each other.

Some of you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women might be okay with that, enjoying the slow pace at which your newfound relationship is moving, while others might panic and wonder where the relationship is going.

I was the latter.

Phillip and I had been doing our thang as a couple, camping in the woods, skiing the slopes, slacklining at (national) parks, scrambling rocks to new heights…

We had our quarrels, too. He was always intense, passionate, when we argued, while I liked my dramatic exits from the room to cool off (neither of which I recommend).

When he and I started dating, I recall him mentioning that his sister and brother-in-law didn’t say “I love you” to each other until around a year, year and a half, into their relationship, and he wanted to do the same.

Whether or not you agree with this, I had several internal reactions that gave me an eye twitch.

“Wait, what?! Why won’t you just say it when you’re ready? Why wait an entire year? You’re just going to set a timer and then say it when it goes off?!”

“Wait, I need to wait until the one-year mark for him to express how he feels about me?”

“What if he still doesn’t feel that way after one year? Am I wasting my time?”

“This is just very strange.”

A part of me didn’t want to take what he said seriously.

Then a year came around, and he still hadn’t said it.

We were at his family cabin in Big Bear, CA, and I was worried.

Bad Day in Big Bear

It was 2015, an El Niño year, and toward the end of the decade-long southern California drought.

That weekend, Big Bear had gotten a huge snow dump that caused traffic up the fucking wazoo.

It was as if a bunch of snow gods had partied too hard and collectively barfed on the mountain from on high.

Everyone and their mother wanted to get some of that snow action in thirsty southern California, yet hardly any of them (unsurprisingly) knew how to drive in snow.

It was hard to get anywhere without having to sit on the road for at least 30 minutes, even to travel a couple of miles.

I was going to miss my next ski lesson that would help me work toward a season pass (talk about first world problems).

I was anxious, and Phillip was furious.

In a battle between Phillip and traffic, traffic usually wins, getting a rise out of him and sometimes prompting him to turn around just so he won’t have to sit in traffic.

In life coaching, we call that “negative” and contagious energy that drags us down “catabolic energy,” and the opposite is called “anabolic energy.”

And I say “contagious” because it started to get really tense between us.

I was scared to say anything–to express my discomfort with his fury, to calm him, even to calm myself–for fear I would step on one of his emotional landmines.

(Even a year into dating, we were still learning how to handle conflict, which is okay and normal.)

That tension continued when we finally got through the traffic and made it to the Bear Mountain Ski Resort.

And even then, with crowded slopes and long ski lift lines, he just wasn’t having it.

I felt disconnected from him because, as cheesy as it sounds, the catabolic energy overtook us.

He was frustrated the whole time and didn’t hold back, and all of the signs were telling me that he wasn’t going to say the “L” word this weekend.

I skied with sadness, waiting for the day to be over.

The Next Morning

Phillip and I had tension for lunch, dinner, and breakfast the next day.

We hardly spoke to each other, and I was dying to know what was on his mind.

“Has he been thinking what I’ve been thinking? Am I going to have to be the bigger one and break the ice, so to speak?”

I was nervous as fuck.

We sat silently in the living room, eating oatmeal.

Several minutes later, I opened my mouth, speaking each word cautiously as if one little trip could set off a Phillip alarm.

“It’s been a year and I want to tell you ‘I love you,’ but I’m afraid the feelings won’t be reciprocated,” I said, my voice shaking.

“I’m just not sure I love you back,” he said.

I felt broken hearing that, and this was the beginning of our first painful, mega-catastrophic fight.

A fly on the wall could see two people going at it like a TV drama, and I felt like meteors and lightning were striking the earth around us.

Credit: WKIDESIGN/pixabay

He fired at me about how his previous relationships made him afraid to love another woman.

I fired back, feeling victimized, asking why he would waste time with me if he felt like he couldn’t love another woman anymore.

He pivoted, saying he didn’t want to be with a woman who hadn’t lived on her own before, insinuating that I was irresponsible.

I fired back, although I don’t remember what I said after that.

We both ended up in tears, Phillip sitting at the edge of the bed, leaning his head against me while I stood.

Our TV drama was coming to an end, and in that moment, I thought we had made a breakthrough.

We tore through the cobwebs of our past to learn something about ourselves, and it seemed like we could move forward.

But he still didn’t say it back.

Homeward Bound

Even though it seemed like we were making strides, I felt very awkward on the multi-hour ride home.

On top of that, many people still couldn’t figure out how to drive down the mountain in the barfed-up snow conditions, and it was starting to get on Phillip’s nerves.

Still unsure of the state of our relationship, I desperately wanted to keep talking about that morning in the cabin.

“Would he ever say it back?” I wondered.

But I kept to myself, instead desperately waiting for our car ride to be over.

Eventually, he dropped me off at my parents’ house, and he returned to his parents’ house only three minutes away.

I immediately phoned a friend as if I were on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

And he told me some of the best, simplest dating advice I’d ever heard.

Want to know what he told me?

He said, “Just tell him how you feel about him. If he doesn’t say it back, then at least he knows how you feel because you’ve communicated it. If he doesn’t say it back, then maybe he’s not ready, and that’s okay. Maybe he’ll be ready later; if not, it’s up to you how you want to proceed.”

Feeling empowered after this conversation, I called Phillip to drop the “L” word on him.

“I know we had a rough weekend, but I want to tell you I love you, and it’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I just wanted you to know, and there’s no pressure to say it back,” I told him.

“Oh yeah, I love you, too,” he responded.

Wait, what?! After all of that and he says it THAT easily?

The man drives me crazy to this day (and while I was writing this, he looked back on that time and told me his one-year plan to drop the “L” word was “dumb.” But he’s still cute, so I forgave him).

How Phillip and I express our love :-P. Credit: David Segal

(Dating) Confidence Lessons

This story might seem a little unusual, given that science says men are more likely to fall in love first and express it first in a relationship.

However, in a world of ineffective dating advice, and as a certified life coach, I can easily say from experience that:

  • There is no “one size fits all” answer to the question “When should I say ‘I love you,’ and who should be the first to say it?” Each couple has their unique story. However, I encourage you to trust your gut if it’s been a while (based on your definition of “a while”) and no one has said it, and to confront the situation to see if you’re wasting your time with that person.
  • It helps to throw away the “shoulds” we were taught growing up and just do whatever the fuck we want (within our control). I encourage you to throw away old rules and come up with new ones you choose to live by.

Finally, I want to gift you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM women with three confidence nuggets:

#1 You are a warrior, so stop fucking overthinking everything

It’s so, so easy to overthink what your partner said and how (s)he said it, to feel weak and embarrassed if you were to express your feelings without any reciprocation, and to worry about the long-term consequences.

But how much does it serve you to be a prisoner to your thoughts?

How much does it serve your relationship to make who says the “L” word first a competition?

How much does it serve you to be ego-driven when it comes to love?

I can tell you what can serve you, if you try it on for size: Be present; let the relationship develop organically; and however you feel, that’s how you feel, and those feelings deserve to be out there.

Don’t fight it.

#2 Learn to love your-fucking-self first

You’ve heard it time and time again, and we could always, always use a reminder.

I’d argue that self-love is the root of all confidence.

Let me put it this way: You are your own celebrity, your own hero, and you can always use your unique platform to spread love, both within yourself and with others.

Try to meditate on that: what makes you more than enough, what you have to contribute to the world, and why anyone would be lucky to have you.

What makes you that smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman?

Then, when you find yourself a quality mate, expressing your love will be a walk in the park.

#3 Look at the fucking best and worst case scenarios (and march on regardless)

Honestly, what are some best case scenarios for expressing and spreading love?

  • You get to spread contagious anabolic (“positive”) energy.
  • You get to attract that energy back.
  • You get to advance your relationship.
  • You get the world in the palm of your hands.

And really, what are some worst case scenarios?

  • Your partner isn’t ready to say it back, or might never say it back.
  • But now you’re enlightened to the situation and can decide what to do next (e.g., talk it out, accept it, be patient, dump him).
  • Embarrassment, maybe? If you allow yourself to feel that way.
  • And really, you didn’t die.

Take Action

Are you having trouble expressing your love to another? Are you having trouble loving yourself? Does your partner struggle to express it to you? Are you questioning whether or not you even love him/her? Comment below or reach out to me in a safe space.

3 Empowering Things a Couple of Surfing Nightmares Taught Me About Dating (Special Animated GIF and Photos Inside)

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Holly Shaftel surfing

Me surfing at Pismo Beach, California.

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

When you’re a dating coach and blogging about it, you might quickly realize that anything you do (such as surfing) can have a dating lesson attached to it.

So, let me tell you smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women what I learned about dating from a couple of surfing nightmares.

I had taken a surfing lesson in Pismo Beach, CA in February 2018 and in O’ahu, Hawaii in July, both of which quickly showed me that it was totally possible for someone like me—someone with inner ear problems and bad balance—to be a wave rider.

I felt confident after those lessons, as if that Beach Boys song “Surfer Girl” was written about someone like me.

I could stand on a fucking nine-foot “foamie” while the ocean carried me to shore. I was on top of the world.

Until September came along.

Huntington Beach, CA

My boyfriend Phillip’s family and I went to Huntington Beach to celebrate the imminent end of the summer, and all I could think about was hitting the waves.

I was a surfer girl now, after all.

I went in the water with Phillip and his dad and had the. hardest. time. paddling. out.

Every wave hit me in the face so hard that I was either knocked off the board or obsessively clearing my eyes of ocean so I could see again, only to get hit by another slappy wave.

These waves were larger and less merciful than those summer Hawaiian waves.

At some point, I caught a wave for about half a second, and then the ocean body-slammed me underwater for what seemed like eternity.

I didn’t know which way was up or down.

The board hit my head at my first attempt to resurface.

Then another wave steamrolled me.

I waited for the moment I could breathe again.

I did survive that encounter, but I had also swallowed some of that water and found myself on the toilet with diarrhea the next day…

…I swear there’s a dating lesson in here. Bear with me!

Zuma Beach, CA

I endured quite a bit during that day in Huntington, but I didn’t want to give up.

My friend and I went to Malibu for another go. She had taken a surfing lesson a year ago, so she had some idea of how to handle Mother Nature’s boisterous blue water.

…except when we arrived (after having trouble finding parking due to a marathon and having to walk a distance to the beach while carrying surfboards on our heads), the waves looked like the ocean was PMSing.

They roared, building up like a colossal claw and scraping the shoreline once they broke, sucking in unlucky victims like a vacuum if they tried to get out.

Not even the lifeguard wanted to surf that madness.

But we did!

We trekked to the other end of the beach for slightly smaller waves (based on lifeguard recommendation), hopped on our boards to paddle out like a couple of ambitious idiots, and were immediately—and I mean, immediately—destroyed.

That water was. no. joke.

We crawled out of the water like a couple of shipwreck survivors, looking at each other and laughing at what we had just tried to do.

After taking a few minutes to collect ourselves, my friend decided to have another go.

Being a wee thing and knowing not to mess with Mother Nature, I decided to hang back.

Instead, I spent about half an hour clearing out my sinuses, sitting on my towel bent over the sand looking as if I was sniffing cocaine off that golden graininess.

Minutes later, my friend popped out of the water with a beached surfboard that was completely enveloped in seaweed.

She looked at her hands as if she had injured them.

“I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive!” she exclaimed.

Reflection

It’s easy and understandable for anyone getting into surfing (or any extreme sport) to feel shaken after experiencing a seemingly life-threatening episode or two.

When these things happen, one might regret ever trying an activity in the first place.

While I was motivated and a little nervous getting into those waves, I felt even more defeated afterward.

I attempted to surf at Pismo Beach again but didn’t have the right wax for the surfboard I was using. I kept slipping off. I’m using this animated gif as a metaphor for defeat.

It was as if the feels were waiting to strike at an opportune moment, plunging into my veins in one fell swoop.

Like a PMSing ocean.

I felt like I was trying so hard to get good at something, while an external force (literally and figuratively) kept slamming me down.

I tried and tried and tried.

After sitting in those feelings for a while (instead of forcing them away), I realized once again that grit and determination mattered more to me than anything else in this situation.

The same goes for dating.

Finally, What This Has to Do with Dating

So, what do dating, diarrhea, and dangerous waves have in common?

Let me rephrase that to sound less gross: What can you learn about dating from my scary surfing experiences?

#1 Put yourself out there, even if it seems scary

I’m not saying you should overcome your fears by putting yourself in a clearly sketchy situation, like sticking your bare arm into a beehive to overcome your fear of bees, or attempting to walk a tightrope several feet over concrete with no safety net to overcome your fear of heights.

I’m saying there could be moments in your dating life that might seem insurmountable.

Maybe you’re meeting someone from Coffee Meets Bagel for the first time and can’t seem to relax.

Maybe you want to break up with someone who kind of freaks you out, and the thought of doing so makes you want to hurl or pass out because you’re worried he might retaliate.

Maybe you’re having trouble just saying “no” to something that makes you sweat from discomfort.

Maybe you’re dating for the first time in years and feel out of practice (and I know a dating coach who could help with that).

Whatever the case may be, our minds can have a way of messing with us, prompting us to make up whackadoo stories and blow things out of proportion.

Our unique experiences can conjure all sorts of mental roadblocks—gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs (GAILs)—that can keep us from living that optimal life we want.

It happens to me, it happens to you, it happens to all of us, and that’s okay!

You’re right, dating can feel scary. But it doesn’t have to be.

Just remember something I learned from another dating coach: You’re the CEO of your love life and dates are like interns interviewing at your company.

Just be sure to create a company that they’ll want to commit to full-time ;-).

Remember to ask yourself where this fear might be coming from.

Remember that fear is just your friend trying to keep you safe.

Remember to thank your friend Fear for protecting you, and then tell her you got this.

#2 But also know your boundaries

After getting an oceanic beating in more ways than one, I knew I had to sit out.

I was real with myself, because I knew that my mind and body couldn’t go beyond constant wave slaps in the face, body slams that left me holding my breath for an undetermined amount of time, and overall conditions that a newb like me couldn’t handle (yet).

I accepted that I still needed training wheels, whether that meant another surf lesson or easier currents.

The same goes for dating: Is the person you’re seeing trying to sleep with you before you’re ready? Tell him! Communicating your expectations about this can be a great way to weed out the bad apples.

Is he a narcissist who treats you horribly? Dump his ass! You’re better off.

Does she want you to try recreational drugs? Do you feel uncomfortable doing this? Just. say. fuck. no.

It doesn’t make you lame or square. In fact, it makes you appear confident. Because you are.

I, for one, have never tried weed because I can’t get past the smell.

If people judge you or me for having these boundaries, then fuck ‘em and let ‘em sort out their own issues (or help them understand themselves).

#3 Fall in love with failing, and don’t ever, ever, ever give up

This can feel like a tall order, falling in love with failing.

The last thing many of us smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM women want to do is fail in a world of bad dating advice and sexism.

Many of us are groomed for a risk-averse work environment, and sometimes that can carry over into dating.

Sometimes it feels easier just to wait for the perfect (wo)man to show up at your doorstep.

Sometimes it feels scary investing yourself in a new relationship, for fear of impending heartbreak.

Sometimes it feels safer to stay in a joyless relationship than to start over single.

Like I said, I felt defeated after trying to surf difficult waves when I had rocked them before.

It felt easier to quit and feel down on myself than to persevere.

It was easier to feel hopeless than hopeful.

But (and you’ve heard this before), when have you been able to achieve anything great without failure (and grit)?

How were you able to get this far in your STEM career (especially as a woman) without pushing, pushing, pushing, even in the face of failure?

In the end, one can view failure as one of the vitamins we need to thrive in our society.

So, when you feel down on your dating luck, try talking to your friend Failure like you do Fear.

Tell Failure, “Thank you, Failure, for allowing me to learn something new.”

In the end, failure is an opportunity in disguise.

Holly Shaftel with surfboard

Me at Pismo Beach, California.

Take Action

Do you feel like giving up on (wo)men? Do you need an accountability buddy to help you work through some dating hurdles? Do you feel stuck in a sketchy relationship? Comment below, get in touch with me ASAP, or look into my free three-part video series on super easy ways you can shave off years of dating pain.

What My Very Brief Modeling ‘Career’ Taught Me About Self-Esteem (and Dating)

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Holly modeling

Me when I tried modeling at 18 years old. (Credit: Some guy named Peter)

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

When I was 18 and figuring out my place in the world, I decided to join a community of models and photographers called modelmayhem.com. I wanted to try my hand at the world of modeling for some god-awful reason. Boy, was that a lesson in self-esteem and dating.

At the time of writing this, I’m a couple of months from being “dirty 30,” so I have a fuzzy recollection of the events of this time. However, I remember looking at other models’ profiles to try to figure out what it took to “make it.”

To start, I posted self-portraits I took with a timed camera that, looking back, had the naive, unflattering energy of 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon when she was trying to make it in show biz as an actor and before she became a comedy writer.

I also had acne like a warty pumpkin, and my face was so oily that the oil could have been collected in bottles and sold for suntanning. #tmi

Oh god, this is all coming back to me now… Make the images stop!

At some point, a few sympathetic Jack Donaghy-like (another 30 Rock reference) photographers offered to work with me for free to help me build my portfolio (and build theirs, I guess). We went to parks, or I visited their studios with a friend to make it happen, trying to tap into my inner Tyra Banks and all of those American top models.

The above image is an example of their magic that transformed me from a dungeon troll to a swan, along with this one:

Holly modeling

How in the…? What in the…? (Credit: Some guy named Peter)

When I Came to My Senses (and Self-Esteem)

A few months later, I started to have a decent portfolio (albeit of unpaid gigs), so life was going well.

…except for the blaring part about feeling deeply insecure about my appearance.

I couldn’t get my acne under control. I felt like I needed bigger boobs. I thought I had to be taller. I worried my face was too long for the camera. I was anxious about my weight and thought I had cottage-cheese-curd thighs. My hair was still like a frizzy, lion mane Jew poof that needed a lion-tamer-strength product or hair dresser.

And I continued to compare myself to other models on Model Mayhem, thinking I could never be like they were. Something didn’t feel right.

When I was stuck inside my head about the vanity of it all, a little voice reached its hand to help me out, and I decided to call it quits.

That little voice was my gut telling me this world wasn’t for me, and that I was more meant for a nerdier, dorkier, hobo-like world of bad fashion, no makeup, and dirt.

Today, I look and feel more like a happy dungeon troll.

Self-Esteem and Dating Lessons

So, what does this story mean for you? You might be looking at yourself in the mirror, comparing yourself to women in magazines (or even to your Facebook and Instagram friends), and feeling like absolute stanky shit.

First off, it’s completely normal to feel like the grass is greener on the other side–to want someone else’s body or hair or to try the latest diet so you can look just like that woman on the billboard–because it always seems like those women are getting all of the love and attention.

It’s depressing to feel like you were born with a bad hand, such as a Joker of flat chests or a 7 of big ears. You begin to think, “Nothing a little plastic surgery can’t fix…”

Well, I have a few things you, a smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman, need to hear:

  1. I’m going to give you some tough love: Stop it. Just stop it. You’re wasting your time. How much does it serve you to keep comparing yourself to others? (Hint: It doesn’t!) How much does it serve you to mope around? (Hint: It doesn’t!) How much does it serve you to put your body in jeopardy or morph it like a balloon animal so it can look a certain way? (Hint: It very much doesn’t!)The National Association for Self-Esteem said it well: Self-esteem is about meeting life’s challenges; not feeling victimized; taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, and actions; and making conscious decisions to support and care for yourself.Try this on for size: Toot your own horn in a journal, an iPhone Notes app, or whatever works for you. What do you have going for you? What makes you fucking amazing? What have you accomplished in your life? What makes you irresistible to the opposite sex?Do you feel great without makeup? Great, write it down. Can you think of times when you’ve overcome adversity? Great, write it down. Do you have a bangin’ pair of boots that make your ass look like the cat’s meow? Then fuck yeah, write it down.
  2. I have nothing new to say here, but looks aren’t everything. Trust me, even a model gave an entire TED Talk about it, revealing that even she feels insecure. Imagine living in a world where appearances matter above all else, a world where all substance is in an image (booooorrrrrriiiiinnnnng) instead of in a meaningful conversation or a groundbreaking scientific discovery. I lived it and couldn’t even last more than a few months. It fucking sucked. I felt like I was reduced to a piece of meat. That’s why we STEM women are in our element when we can flaunt our intelligence and personalities. In the end, those help us earn the big bucks!
  3. Dating. Think of a time when you used the Law of Attraction to attract a good quality mate (or even just someone) into your life. What was your mindset at the time? How were you being your best self? What power did you have in your hands that made someone salivate over you? Or, think about a time when you attracted a new friend into your life. Obviously that person found you badass enough to want to hang out and keep in touch. Also, I bet you didn’t need to dangle a single modeling photo in front of their faces to get them to like you.

One time, when my boyfriend Phillip and I started dating, we were sitting at a local restaurant and I showed him an Earth science mobile app I was working on at my day job. After I showed him how it worked, he said to me, “Wow, I’ve never nerded off with a woman before.” Obviously, confidence, brains, and personality trump all–and make a relationship last.

Take Action

Are you feeling down on yourself and need a pick-me-up? Are you struggling to love yourself while getting back into dating? Do you need help attracting amazing people into your life? Do you want to regain the power you feel like you’ve lost? I want to help! Comment below, sign up for my regular emails, or get in touch with me so we can work together toward a life of badassery.

What SCUBA Diving Taught Me About Dating

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My boyfriend Phillip and me after SCUBA diving.

My boyfriend Phillip and me after SCUBA diving.

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

Many of you can agree with me when I say the great outdoors can be a wonderful classroom for racking up some dating skills. However, if you’re a skeptical millennial STEM woman, then let me make my case with a personal story.

At the time of writing this, I’ve been a SCUBA diver for over a year. Despite its costliness, it was one of the best decisions I’d ever made (kind of like investing in a dating coach). I wanted to improve my quality of life by learning a new skill and going on an adventure unda the sea.

After learning to breathe underwater and exploring a world vastly different from the one we know on land–with brightly colored fish, beautiful kelp forests, and boisterous blue water–I felt free and knew, just knew, that I had to convince my boyfriend and fellow adventurer Phillip to get certified.

After some pushing, he got certified, and we were able to embark on our first dive together as a couple. And it was somewhat disastrous.

Losing Each Other Underwater

We had a rough plan for where we were going to go once we were in the water. After jumping off the charter boat, we first snorkeled to a remote location away from the boat. Then, before I knew it, Phillip, an excited SCUBA fledgling, descended into the water without me. (You’re supposed to wait till you’ve both communicated you’re ready.)

I scrambled to descend and reach the sea floor with him. Once I reached the bottom, he started heading off into the poorly visible Santa Catalina Island waters. The visibility was bad enough that we could see only about 10 to 15 feet in front of us, so I was in a haste to keep up with him, using more air in my tank than if we had been swimming at a steadier pace. I tried signaling him to slow down, but he was too excited to pay attention.

At some point, I lost him in the distance. I was all alone in the current, looking for any trace of blue fins on the silhouette of a 6’3” man.

Well, when you lose your dive buddy, you’re supposed to look around for a minute and then reunite at the surface. So, I looked around with no luck. I had to ascend.

Floating at the surface like a human buoy, I waited and waited and waited for Phillip to reappear. Several minutes had gone by, and nothing. The foamy water moved up and down and the boat floated behind me, ready to take action if we lost a diver.

I was visibly calm, but I couldn’t help but wonder: “What is he doing down there? Did he notice that I wasn’t behind him anymore? Is he okay? Is he looking for me? Is he too busy chasing fish like a dog chases squirrels?”

Just when I started to really worry, he materialized.

“What happened?” I asked him.

“I thought you were still behind me,” he said.

Dating 101

So, what did I learn in this intense episode? Well, as it is for just about anything with a learning curve, no matter what dating stage you’re in, sometimes you need to return to the basics after figuring out what the actual fuck just happened and how you can minimize the chances of it happening again.

Here’s a refresher course:

Lesson 1: Communicate & manage expectations

No longer was a “rough” diving plan enough, as that could leave too many things open in a setting where sign language is the best way to communicate. No longer was I to shrug off what just happened and hope it’d get better during our next diving trip, expecting Phillip would read my mind. No, I needed to communicate what I needed out of that situation, which included a solid plan, being on the same page about everything, and looking out for each other. I used “I” statements (“I felt…when you…”) when I explained this to him. Had I decided not to speak up, I would have had to expect a similar outcome. Better out than in!

My boyfriend Phillip and me signaling “okay” to each other while SCUBA diving.

My boyfriend Phillip and me signaling “okay” to each other while SCUBA diving.

Lesson 2: Figure out what works for you & your partner

This part is cheesy. After remembering that we swim at vastly different speeds, and knowing that divers need to breathe steadily to maintain their air supply, we decided to hold hands to stick together. This helped him slow down, helped us both conserve our air, and allowed us to notice the little things, like marine worms and plant patterns. We enjoyed diving together all over again. (Dating is supposed to be fun, after all!)

Lesson 3: Trust your gut

If something feels off, trust that feeling and run with it. I felt uncomfortably rushed and could have said nothing afterward, but it also didn’t feel right to ignore an opportunity to make things better between us. By trusting my gut and communicating my feelings without blaming him for anything, we uncovered new truths about each other and developed a system for exploring together.

Bonus: Look at problems as opportunities

As I wrote in a previous blog post, according to a unique attitudinal assessment that I’m certified to administer for your dating needs, I measure strongly as an opportunist. This can mean that I’m easily able to make lemonade out of a seemingly “bad” situation. When Phillip and I went SCUBA diving, I was able to work with him to turn a diving nightmare into a relationship boost.

I encourage you to tap into your inner opportunist and make tons and tons of delicious dating lemonade when the going gets seemingly rough.

Take Action

Did a crazy event happen to you and the person you’re dating? Are you unsure of what to do about it? Are you having trouble communicating your needs and need to strategize? Comment below, shoot me an email, or book a free 20-minute consultation to learn how I can support you.

How an Attitudinal Assessment Can Help Improve Your Dating Life (and Beyond)

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Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

Nope, it’s not a test to find out which Katy Perry album you are or how many people who’ve had sex with based on your food preferences (thanks, Buzzfeed). It’s not a crystal ball reading or a phase of the moon predicting your life in the next month. It’s called the Energy Leadership Index (ELI) assessment, there’s nothing like it in the world, and it can help improve your dating life.

I’m not bullshitting you.

I’m a personality test whore, but sometimes those get flack, the main complaint I hear being that they seem too black and white to accurately capture our complex personalities.

It’s called the Energy Leadership Index (ELI) assessment, there’s nothing like it in the world, and it can help improve your dating life.

Opinions on that aside, this is different. This is an attitudinal assessment, the beautiful thing about it being that it measures something we can all agree can morph over time, something that you can change on command: attitudes.

You can look at an attitude as an outlook or opinion on life or some aspect of it, and it’s often projected in our behaviors. For example, I tend to be an opportunist when I’m happy and feel victimized and angry when I’m stressed. The “opportunist” can come out when I try a new activity (e.g., covering the house with art after teaching myself to paint), and the angry victim can come out every year when I get my property taxes.

The ELI assessment helps you open the book on your overall outlook, having you answer 70 questions based on seven levels of energy that we all experience:

Level 1 – victim (“I lose”)

Level 2 – anger (“I win, you lose”)

Level 3 – rationalizing (“I win, and hopefully you win, too” or “It’s fiiiiine. I’m fiiiiine.”)

Level 4 – nurturing (“I’m happy if you win”)

Level 5 – opportunist (“We all win or no one wins”)

Level 6 – intuition/synthesis/creative (“We always win”)

Level 7 – completely objective thinking, non-judgment, and fearlessness (“Winning and losing are illusions”)

Energetic Self-Perception Chart

The seven levels of energy as developed by Bruce D. Schneider, the founder of the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching, my life coaching alma mater!

When I took this assessment, I measured strongly as a 5,7 (taking your top two results) in what’s called the “Energetic Profile,” and 1,2 in my “Energetic Stress Response.” My stress response is completely normal, and there are pros and cons for each level that we can go into detail if you invest in an ELI assessment and debrief with me.

My ELI assessment results

Yay, charts! Here’s my ELI assessment result in a nutshell. It looks like a bunch of numbers and horizontal bars, and you might be wondering what the “ARL” is, but it’ll make more sense if you invest in an ELI assessment and debrief with me.

 

Get to the point, Holly: How can the ELI assessment improve my dating life?

After you take the assessment, we will then sit down together to discuss your pain points and opportunities at each energy level as they relate to your dating life. This discussion is no doubt the metaphorical Claritin Clear you need to start your coaching journey with me if you so choose.

Here’s an example of a pain point: Let’s say you measured strongly in Level 4 (nurturing) energy in your Energetic Profile. I would then ask you to name a time in your dating life when you experienced Level 4 energy. You tell me an emotional tale about having been the “giver” in previous relationships, sometimes getting “nurture fatigue” because previous partners rarely pulled their weight in the relationship. You feel cynical about men as a result, thinking all men are lazy.

Of course, it’s totally understandable that you would feel cynical about men, given that you’ve been giving and giving until you’re blue in the face. You’re known for being the caretaker among your friends and family, and people love you for it. You’re the one people roast at dinner parties for orchestrating grand feasts, showing up for all of your friends’ events while juggling work, and always being the designated driver. You’re loyal and trustworthy, and sometimes people take you for granted.

“So, where’s an opportunity?” I might ask. After some thought, you might decide to take the back seat for a while. Maybe you’ll tell your next partner that you don’t want to cook dinner for two some nights after work, or maybe you want to reserve Sundays to yourself. In other words, you’d be giving yourself a much-needed break, opening your mental bandwidth for other, more relaxing activities.

After saying this out loud, you might start to feel like you’re no longer carrying the world on your shoulders. You gave yourself permission to take a break from being a superhero.

As you can see, the ELI assessment can help you arrive at similar breakthroughs in two hours or less, so imagine the powerful transformation you can achieve when working with me an hour per week for 12 weeks!

This is pretty amazing stuff, ladies, and there’s nothing. else. like. it.

After saying this out loud, you might start to feel like you’re no longer carrying the world on your shoulders. You gave yourself permission to take a break from being a superhero.

Take Action

If you’re spinning your wheels with lazy partners, or if something just feels off in your dating life, and you need a roadmap to urgent change, connect with me directly or invest in the ELI assessment today so we can point you in a better direction.

Dating? Why Your Future Partner Might Not Be Who You Expect

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STEM woman in love

Credit: Scott Fleming/Flickr (changes made)

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

When I was in my mid-20s and several months out of a relationship, I watched my high school and college friends drop like flies to the marriage calling. I wondered why I hadn’t found that special someone, feeling that societal pressure to follow suit and settle down.

I had a list of “perfect qualities” I thought I wanted in a man, from his looks, to his mannerisms, to his hobbies and interests, as if I were constructing the perfect specimen in the game The Sims or in some sci-fi universe. He would be the most handsome, dark-haired, empathetic, successful, muscular, punctual, artistic, intelligent nerd I had ever seen. He would love musicals, open doors for me, cook, and sing (almost) like Frank Sinatra. He would essentially be the male version of me (at the time) who would pick up the slack where I lacked (cooking).

A TED Talk about a woman who had outlined her ideal man to hack the online dating world inspired me to try this method to find that special someone. That, along with rom-coms (romantic comedies) and other media telling me that Prince Charming was on his way to sweep me off my feet and ride into the sunset.

Along Came (Prince?) Phillip

When my boyfriend Phillip and I started dating, I thought the relationship was going to crash and burn like the movie Armageddon. He was an athletic engineer, not an artistic nerd. He hated musicals, so we never went to any, much to my dismay. He didn’t open doors, so based on how I was raised, I thought he was being rude. He was a natural blond, not a brunette. I thought we were on different intellectual levels.

When my boyfriend Phillip and I started dating, I thought the relationship was going to crash and burn like the movie Armageddon.

He liked depressing sci-fi and post-apocalyptic movies and heavy metal music. I like generally happier, less thought-provoking movies, and my music tastes are stuck in the ‘60s, so we could never agree on a movie to watch or a song to listen to in the car. He liked dad jokes, while I tend to like dry, dark humor.

I thought he was impulsive, ADD-stricken, indecisive, and forgetful. He was often at least 30 minutes late to pick me up for our dates when we lived three minutes apart. I thought he was a bad texter. He smoked (at the time). We handled conflict differently: He was intense and direct, while I liked to leave the room to cool off.

Some people might look at these qualities and shrug them off, while others might call some of them dealbreakers. However, at the time, I was so fixated on this apparent mismatch that I started to think I was wasting my time. It didn’t matter that we were both adrenaline junkies who always had a blast together on a slackline or a pair of skis. It didn’t matter that he was an incredibly good-looking 6’4” man with a sense of humor. I just kept thinking, “Wait, this is my Prince Charming? He won’t even open a door for me!”

Dating Lessons Learned

After seeking advice from a dating coach’s blog, I learned something simple, spectacular, and life-changing, something that made me look at dating and relationships through a whole new lens, as if the clouds had parted for the sun to shine through.

Don’t evaluate the man; evaluate the relationship.

This means throwing away that laundry list that describes your “perfect man” and instead envisioning your ideal relationship. This means stop looking for the male equivalent of yourself and start looking for your complement, someone who makes you fit together like puzzle pieces. This means stop nit-picking his imperfections and start looking at yourself in the mirror.

This means compromising and being patient. This means focusing on compatibility (what you have in common) over chemistry (those hormonal highs and butterflies). This means focusing on how he treats you instead of whether or not he has brown hair and muscles.

This means stop putting yourself on a pedestal and start noticing how you feel when you’re with him and seeing the big picture, something bigger than yourself.

This means the media lied to us, and you might end up with someone totally unexpected.

The night I met Phillip in a hot tub, I didn’t expect to end up in a rock-solid relationship with him for four years and counting. The more I threw away what the media told me and adjusted my mindset, the more I understood real love.

This means stop putting yourself on a pedestal and start noticing how you feel when you’re with him and seeing the big picture, something bigger than yourself.

Take Action

Are you a smart, successful, and fiercely independent Millennial STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) woman who feels like she’s going in circles in her dating life, constantly meeting the wrong men or women? It’s time to stop wasting time and start beating your biological clock. Reach out to me personally to see how I can support you. Dating doesn’t have to be impossible.

STEM Ladies, Stop Letting Intimidated Men Throw You off Your Dating Game

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STEM woman

Credit: Krystof Litomisky (changes made)

Writer’s note (31 March 2019): This piece was written when I was targeting STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women who were having dating troubles. I’ve since transformed my coaching business into one helping all women who feel anxious and insecure in their love lives find healthy, intimate relationships with themselves and others. Learn more.

When I was building my business of helping smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM women who feel lost at sea in their dating lives, I posed a question on Facebook asking my target audience about their biggest dating obstacles.

A high school friend who works as a software consultant told me about her frustration when going on dates with men who end up disappearing because they can’t seem to keep up with her intellectually. When she explains her line of work to them, they get lost in the lingo, and she loses them entirely. She could feel them becoming small, intimidated, while trying to enjoy a nice meal.

There’s no second date.

The (Dating) Disconnect

This may sound familiar to many of us STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) women, especially the millennials who are continuing a decades-long women’s movement: breaking glass ceilings, entering the STEM world, and trying to equalize themselves with men.

Even I deal with this disconnect between the science world in which I work and the outside world. In my day job as a science writer and editor, I partner with scientists to translate complex topics (such as climate change) for a lay audience. Trying to understand their research can oftentimes feel like I am swimming against a technical current. Eventually, my neurons stop firing, leading to mental fatigue and sometimes emaciated confidence.

Trying to understand their research can oftentimes feel like I am swimming against a technical current. Eventually, my neurons stop firing, leading to mental fatigue and sometimes emaciated confidence.

I remember sitting with a planetary geologist to learn about Martian glaciers and asking him to explain everything to me as if I were a six-year-old. He told me “That’s impossible,” and proceeded to flood my brain with Mars satellite mission names I’d never heard of and geological terms that didn’t compute, as if I were “one of the scientists” who could speak his language.

I was too shy to ask him to slow down and break things down for me, for fear that he would view me as an inferior human who belonged in a barn. Even if I was interested in the subject matter, I quickly became tired and turned off.

As you’ll find in any jargon-drenched field, many STEM folks are too used to speaking a language that helps them communicate only with each other. For example, in the natural sciences, we have “anomalies,” “uncertainties,” “variability,” “mass balance,” “feedbacks,” “forcings,” “albedo,” “altimetry,” “bias,” and other strange terms that have context in STEM conversations but can alienate outsiders. (Do you ever feel awkward when people around you start speaking another language you can’t understand? You can’t participate, and it might even make you feel a little self-conscious.)

The scientific community’s culture requires scientists to get the language right to maintain respect among their peers. One might call it prioritizing correctness over clarity, while those on the other end (mere mortals) might feel like that correctness actually impedes clarity. This impediment can turn away those who might be potentially interested in the subject and might even want to go into STEM.

It can also turn away people on a date who have not been exposed to that lexicon and feel uncomfortable, even emasculated, when a woman outsmarts them. When a woman’s intelligence scares off men like a flock of birds, women sometimes feel they need to dumb down who they are to appear more romantically eligible. (I’ve been there!) It could be a reason many women ditch a STEM career for a path toward marriage, child-rearing, and maybe a less lucrative career. As the men disappear, women might start to look at STEM as unattractive and smarts as unsexy.

When a woman’s intelligence scares off men like a flock of birds, women sometimes feel they need to dumb down who they are to appear more romantically eligible.

How Life Coaching Helps

There’s hope for us millennial STEM women, and all it takes is some empowering life coaching. As I alluded to earlier, I’m a Certified Professional Coach from the International Coaching Federation who helps these women bushwhack through bad advice and sexism to start achieving the love life of their dreams.

As a dating coach, part of my process is acknowledging and validating my clients’ feelings about their dating troubles. For example, I might say it’s perfectly normal for my high school friend to feel frustrated on dates with men, given that she’s probably aiming for correctness when she explains her line of work, while he wants clarity. They’re not on the same page, and after many dates, she just wants someone to understand what she’s trying to communicate for once. Likewise, and while unintentional, he might feel intellectually inferior, small, and intimidated.

Acknowledging and validating can already improve my clients’ mindset, and they often feel more ready to take action because they remember that they have every right to feel the way they do. If they were slouching, they start to sit up straighter and open their core. If they felt a pit in their stomach, their anxiety starts to disappear. If they felt tight, they begin to relax. If they felt hopeless, their tears start to dry and they begin to smile.

Then I guide this new-found glory to a higher paradise by asking my clients open-ended, empowering questions. They become clearer and begin to connect their who they are as unique individuals to the optimal dating life they want and need.

Some of those questions might be like:

  1. How do you feel when intimidated men throw you off your dating game?
  2. What kind of action do you take when this happens?
  3. Let’s flip that around: Instead of telling yourself that intimidated men are throwing you off your game, what can you tell yourself instead?
  4. How can you take that new thought even further? (And what’s your new feeling?)
  5. The next time your date seems intimidated, what can you do? (And how does that feel?)
  6. What does this say about who you are as a smart, successful, and fiercely independent woman?

That, my friends, is the beautiful world of life coaching. You might have noticed that the coach helps the client regain control of her life and remember who she is and that she has options. She begins to feel lighter, happier, more energetic, and more confident, and the next time her date seems intimidated, she’ll have a new, golden mindset for handling it. She’ll slay victoriously.

The coach helps the client regain control of her life and remember who she is and that she has options.

As a dating coach, I act as a virtual wing woman to help my clients look at their situation from different angles, opening a door to a world unlimited by detrimental interpretations, assumptions, limiting beliefs, and inner voices telling them they’re “not good enough.” They’re more able to set aside those mental blocks and attract men who like a smart, successful, and fiercely independent STEM woman.

Take Action Now

Are you a smart, successful, and fiercely independent millennial STEM woman who feels lost at sea in her dating life and ready to find herself? Reach out to me directly to see how I can support you and sign up to receive my free three-part video series on how you can stop wasting time in your dating life.

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