TL;DR: Ladies, the world (particularly the media) tells us we cannot be [[happy and complete]] without a man to rescue us. But when we flip that idea on its head, we take back our power.
I recently chatted with a prospective client who was seriously one of the most impressive women I’ve ever met, even virtually. A hard-charging scientist, she recently went through a breakup and was facing the challenge of taking care of herself for herself. In other words, a man was often her primary motivation for self-care.
Even the best of us deal with it from time to time, and sometimes we take it to the extreme. What starts as a diet becomes an eating disorder that makes you look like the undead or a White Walker from Game of Thrones. What starts as a visit to the spa becomes frequent visits to cancerous tanning salons that make you look like an Oompa Loompa. What starts as a small Botox “treatment” becomes wild amounts of plastic surgery that end up moving your nose to your forehead and your left ear to your chin (kidding on all accounts, of course).
I’m not saying my prospective client was doing anything remotely like that, but some of us work ourselves to the bone or morph ourselves like balloon animals to impress another, even though we know that real love starts with ourselves. Time isn’t promised, so we can’t be wasting this one life we have developing disorders for someone who might not love us back.
So, when was the last time you looked at yourself in a foggy mirror after a shower, wearing nothing but a towel (or just nothing), and told yourself you were beautiful and deserved everything? When was the last time you did a sit-up, ate a vegetable, or meditated because you wanted to live a longer, more prosperous life on your own terms?
Let’s slay that unsustainable headspace and pedal to a place of healing, confidence, and control. Read on for tips to start your engine.
To hop on the self-love choo choo (or to follow the self-love Yellow Brick Road, if we’re following this blog post’s title), a first step is to follow your intuition. If something feels off, chances are it is. Almost like you’re looking at a map, step back and say to yourself, “I am here, and here’s why. I want to go there to complete my quest.”
You’re using your newfound awareness of the problem to state your “intention,” or goal. And just like writing a screenplay, you’re the main character who needs to overcome obstacles to achieve a goal. To land the man and relationship of your dreams (starting with a relationship with yourself), you need to defeat the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkey cronies (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz reference for those who have been living in a hole under a rock on another planet in a different dimension).
These obstacles are often mental, and we certified life coaches call them gremlins, assumptions, interpretations, and limiting beliefs. To help you defeat the witch, we might ask you certain questions, like:
- How are you feeling now?
- Think of the last time you did something for yourself. How did you feel?
- What action did you take?
- Think of a time when you felt your healthiest. How did you feel?
- What action did you take?
- How can you apply that energy today?
- How can you take it a step further?
- How would you like to feel in the end?
- How committed are you to your success?
To get from “here” to “there” on the map always starts and ends with a feeling. The action and commitment make it happen.
For more help, Deborah Khoshaba at Psychology Today offers a seven-step prescription for self-love:
- Become mindful
- Act on your needs instead of your wants
- Practice good self-care (e.g., diet and exercise)
- Set boundaries
- Protect yourself with good friends and family
- Forgive yourself (don’t be hard on yourself)
- Live intentionally
If the time is right and you need help moving away from relationship anxiety and insecurity and toward peace, then fill out the easy form toward the bottom of this page and I’ll be in touch ASAP.
Interested but not ready to commit to a coaching relationship? Take this “Relationship Insecurity Quiz” to see where you stand romantically, get tailored results, and get a special surprise afterward!