Why I Do What I Do
“Love is at the root at everything, all learning, all relationships, love or the lack of it. And what we see and hear on the screen is part of who we become.”
As with just about any endeavor, hardly any of it really matters without the “why.” I’m here to coach women from “anxious and insecure” to “peaceful” in their romantic relationships, because many were led astray in knowing how to love themselves and nurture those relationships.
Many of us (including me) fell for what the media told us about love and relationships, giving us very unrealistic expectations of how they should work. Many of us were told (by the media and otherwise) that a man was supposed to rescue and complete us. Some of us didn’t receive healthy, intimate love in our childhoods, and therefore, we search for the same kind of “emotionally unavailable” treatment from others. The list goes on.
Well, I’m here to tell you that there are better ways to live. To love yourself is to complete yourself, and to share your life with an emotionally available person who respects your boundaries is a glorious “bonus” and an opportunity for lasting love. But it takes patience, effort, and realistic expectations, among other skills and tools.
I use a certified life coaching method from the Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching (iPEC) to help you look deeply within for optimal transformation, for no one deserves an anxious and insecure life. Learn more about my journey below.
More About Holly
When I was younger, I was a typical teeny bopper who had a (very regrettable) obsession with the Twilight Saga and watched sitcoms and romantic comedies till the bitter, bitter end, waiting for the token couple to finally kiss while fireworks blasted in the background. I thought, “Ah, this is what it’s like to be in love.”
I also bought into media bullshit that told me I’m not complete without a man with whom to spend the rest of my life. (Remember Jerry Maguire, ladies? When he told Dorothy, “You complete me”?) The media told me that I’m not whole and can’t depend on myself without a big ball of testosterone-driven cells to rescue me, and that I should live my life accordingly.
As I got older (and also thanks to the media), I had astronomical expectations of the perfect man, creating a checklist of ideal traits as if I were sculpting a wondrous specimen in a sci-fi universe. He would have dark hair, love musicals, serenade me with an angelic voice, and basically be everything you’d find in a fairy tale.
Little did I know what was coming.
I drunkenly met Phillip in a hot tub at a mutual friend’s party on a November 2014 evening. While I was feisty from the alcohol and tiny, he was quiet and towered over me like a modern-day viking. I learned that he was finishing his mechanical engineering degree, and he learned that I had just earned my master’s degree and had a solid climate change communications job at a world-renowned science research institution.
When he said “mechanical engineering,” I immediately thought this wasn’t going to work, because it wasn’t on my checklist. I thought I wanted a “sensitive artist” type. But he asked for my number at the end of the evening and we gave it a try.
And I was keeping score as the months went by:
He was late to our dates (bad).
He seemed to have some major ADD (bad).
He seemed incredibly forgetful and impulsive (bad and bad).
He liked metal music and post-apocalyptic sci-fi movies (bad).
He was a natural blond (eeeehhhh…).
He smoked cigarettes at the time (eeewwww…).
He didn’t have texting (and general communication) skills to my liking (ugh).
Ready for a quiz?
Take a “Relationship Insecurity Quiz” to see where you stand romantically, get tailored results, and get a special surprise afterward!
It didn’t matter that we both had fun slacklining at a park or gliding on a pair of skis; he was so different from what I had imagined that I thought our relationship was going to crash and burn like Armageddon.
On top of that, I took it very personally whenever he wanted to hang out with his friends (some of whom didn’t seem to like having a smart, opinionated woman around) over me. His “friend time” seemed to happen frequently, which, in addition to my nit-picking his imperfections, made me question whether or not I was good enough for him. The two feelings were pitted against each other like a wrestling match.
As you can see, this isn’t a story about relationship codependency or abuse, but I did grow anxious and insecure. After all, the media told me I needed a man to complete me, and I didn’t feel complete. In fact, I began to wonder if I should end the relationship, but I also lacked the courage to confront him.
So, I took to the internet. Yes, the internet. I stumbled upon a dating coach who told his audience like it is: with straight facts, but with good intentions. By reading his blog, I was able to more easily get inside a man’s mind while illuminating my own. I began to throw away what the media told me growing up.
I learned I wasn’t alone in feeling anxious and insecure. I learned that dating is a skill to sharpen over time. I learned to be more patient and understanding. I learned that the best relationships take effort, and the turbulent ones take work. I learned the vital difference between chemistry and compatibility.
Most of all, I learned this:
- Don’t evaluate the man; evaluate the relationship.
- …which means throw away that checklist.
- I’m the CEO of my (love) life and every guy I dated was an intern interviewing at my company.
- …which means I need to love myself first so I can attract the love I want and need from others.
- …which means I don’t need a man to complete me.
By adjusting my mindset and behavior, particularly based on what I can control, I was able to co-grow a rock-solid relationship. In my mind, it went from Armageddon to a mix of Laura Croft: Tomb Raider (an independent woman) and My Big Fat Greek Wedding (a happy ending for a happy couple).
I feel forever in debt to that dating coach and want to pay it forward. I feel like being a relationship coach is my calling, as the energy from adjusting how I show up to my relationship permeated other parts of my life.
Eventually, I became a dual-certified life coach through the International Coaching Federation, specializing in romantic relationships. I use what’s called the “Core Energy Coaching” process to bring out the powerful potential in my clients, connecting their inner purpose and passion to outer goals and strategies that’ll help transform their love lives in the long-run.
firstname.lastname@example.org | 213-357-0870