I recently had a conversation with a family member whose friend was having bad luck in the dating and relationship realm, driving her to think “all men suck.”

Now, whether or not this friend actually believes this in the depths of her soul, it’s a common attitude among women who’ve, well, seen better days. Sometimes these women have been fucked and dumped enough times that they end up assuming a life of cat-rearing, bed head, crooked glasses, smelly sweats, and drinking.

And I don’t totally blame them for feeling that way. We can’t deny that some men will leave a bad taste in your mouth (like cilantro for some people) and a scar on your heart, possibly because they were raised to be no better or they simply think differently. (Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, after all!)

In the end, though, this attitude doesn’t serve the XX chromosome, much like a junk food diet or a Human Centipede marathon doesn’t serve anyone. Likewise, it doesn’t serve men who have been burned as well, thinking “all women suck.” This cynical, hopeless mindset can deter people from finding love at all, starving themselves of the intimacy and happiness they deserve.

When looking under the hood, oftentimes the problem stems from an ineffective approach to dating and relationships that shapes one’s perspective of men (or women). You allow yourself to date or enter relationships with unfortunate contenders, sometimes making you to feel deeply insecure. But all you need is a little shift in perspective, a little nudge toward the light.

Yes, if you shift your perspective, then you can shift your behavior and turn a new leaf. If you shift your behavior, then you can take back control of your love life by weeding out bad apples like one would in a hiring process.

How do you do that? There are many routes to take, but you might want to start by telling yourself that:

• you are imperfect (and so are men)
• yet you deserve better (and so do men)
• you can use that confident energy to attract the love you deserve (and so can men)
• the test of time will grant you your wish

Take Action

Shifting your perspective and behavior can be easy in theory, but sometimes one needs emotional support from a certified relationship coach. Learn how you can go from anxious and insecure in your love life to a healthy and intimate relationship with yourself and others.